


here isn’t where I wanna be

by notsohardsehun



Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: A little bit of KaiBaek, Accepting, Accepting the Marriage, Arranged Marriage, Character Death, Consensual Sex, Cravings, First Crush, First Kiss, First Night, Getting Together, Getting to Know Each Other, Happy Ending, Husbands Relationship, I am so sorry to Baekhyun, Kai is a Jerk in the beginning, Letting Go of Past Relationship, M/M, Making Love, Marriage of Convenience, Mpreg, No Romance, Reveals, Sehun is Independent, Sex, Substitute Husband, Unplanned Pregnancy, Unrequited Crush, Wedding Night, baby shopping, hiding pregnancy, pregnant sehun, taking care
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-27
Updated: 2020-12-27
Packaged: 2021-03-08 18:40:45
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 32,261
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27301333
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/notsohardsehun/pseuds/notsohardsehun
Summary: Sehun has been pining after his brother’s betrothed since they were kids. When Sehun’s brother passes away unexpectedly, his parents decided he’ll take his sibling’s place as Jongin’s fiancée. Sehun is giddy at first, but after having their wedding night, Sehun is not acknowledged by his husband. Not even when he told his husband that he was with a child. Sehun spends most of his pregnancy alone and insecure and wonders if he and his baby would live the rest of their lives like this.
Relationships: Kim Jongin | Kai/Oh Sehun
Comments: 36
Kudos: 299
Collections: #𝓑𝓪𝓫𝔂𝕄𝕒𝕜𝕚𝕟𝕘𝕱𝖊𝖘𝖙𝟐𝟎𝟐𝟎





	here isn’t where I wanna be

**Author's Note:**

> CODE: BMF276/2020  
> Pairing: Kai/Sehun  
> Carrier: Sehun  
> Pregnancy: Before/During  
> Babies: One
> 
> I must say, I might have tweaked the prompt a little bit. I am sorry to the prompter. I hope you'll love the story.  
> To the Mods, thank you very much for this wonderful fest and lastly,  
> to my sweet Beta - babe, thank you so much. I can't thank you enough for all the help. I am extremely grateful.

Sehun can’t stop his eyes from breaking its tear dam. It’s just not possible for him to remain calm and collected after the news he received – his brother had an accident an hour ago and his condition isn’t good, he might not survive. He had flashes of his brother passing through his eyes; from their childhood to the last time he saw him. Sehun cannot imagine losing his dear brother. Baekhyun is his pillar of support. He is one cheerful human with no hate towards anyone. This is not supposed to happen. Baekhyun needs to survive.

Sehun continues throwing clothes and toiletries in his to-go bag pack and rushes out of his house. He calls for a taxi to take him home. He has been living hours away from his family ever since the day he landed a job in a publishing company. The house he lives in now isn’t his and he doesn’t own any vehicle. Right now though, he wished he had a car. The taxi arrives five minutes later and Sehun jumps in hastily, giving the address to the driver. The driver doesn’t sound too happy about driving out of town in the middle of the night but Sehun wins him over with double fare. There’s nothing money can't do.

Sehun arrives at the hospital two hours later and quickly makes a run to the reception, asking for his brother. The nurse behind the counter looks at him apologetically and he hates how she gave him a hint of what he might see. Sehun pads faster, taking the elevator to the ICU. He arrives at a corridor and once again asks for his brother at the counter, but he’s told to head to the third level; operation room.

Sehun could feel sweat trickling down his back despite his hands turning ice cold. He’s terribly scared. The ride in the empty elevator brings Sehun to a type of fear he can’t decipher. He can’t accept the fact that he’s meeting Baekhyun here, of all the places. They were supposed to meet before the wedding. They had plans. They were supposed to go for a suit-fitting in two weeks. What happens now?

Sehun screams as soon as he spots his mother, “Mom! How’s Hyung?” he hugs her tightly, and she cries in his chest. Today, she feels extra small and fragile in his arms. “They took him back to the operation room. He had sudden internal bleeding.” His father says from behind him, and Sehun pulls his father close.

The air in the corridor is thick. Everyone is tense. “He will be fine. He has to be fine.” Sehun says, kissing his mother, and she wipes her nose with the handkerchief in her hand and holds his hand tightly. Sehun curls his arm around his father, and they stand next to each other for assurance and support. Finally, Sehun spots someone else, hunched by the other side of the wall. “He’s been here for quite some time.” his father says, gesturing towards the man. Sehun ignores him for the time being.

“How did this happen?” Sehun asks finally, hitting the elephant in the room. He wants a recount of the accident and wishes his parents knew. “It rained when Baekhyun left to meet Kai,” His father starts. It was their usual date night and Baekhyun visited them all of a sudden, “It feels like he came to tell us goodbye,” his mother sobs, breaking into big fat tears. Sehun hates how it sounds. He hates how they made it look like Baekhyun will be leaving them. “The police said they found his car turned turtle by the roadside and the divider in the middle of the road completely wrecked.”

“Kai said it could be a hit and run but the police said otherwise.” His mother interferes. “There were witnesses; two young boys.”

“Hyung is not a careless driver,” Sehun says, not believing that it’s a mistake on his brother’s part. “Did anything happen between Hyung and Kai?” Sehun questions his parents, suggesting that it could be because of pressure and stress. “No. Baek was ecstatic to meet Kai.”

Sehun sighs, “Let’s pray. Hyung will be alright.” Sehun brings them to sit on the long, steel bench and glances towards Kai. He should go to him and say something. From his disheveled look, Sehun is sure Kai is broken, anxious, and lost. Who wouldn’t? It’s his lover, fiancée, and husband to be in the operation room. Kai has all the rights to be worried. His eyes are swollen, and his cheeks are tainted with fresh tears. He has his hands clasped, silently praying for the best.

Sehun finally walks over and stands next to his brother-in-law. Their relationship is weird; Sehun knew he had loved Kai wholeheartedly from a young age. It was probably love at first sight for him. Kai is eight years older, the same age as his brother. Sehun’s 25 now and Kai hits 33. It was that childhood puppy crush but soon, it developed into a one-sided love when Kai had asked his brother out. In those days, Kai used to visit their house often. Sehun knew the reasons were fake: instead of studying, they’d flirt and sneak kisses. Sehun knew it all.

Despite the apparent attraction, Sehun kept his distance and respected their relationship. He does not want to risk blood-relationship for love and stays away. He admired and loved Kai from a distance. It was stupid – utterly immature of him to continue, being faithful to his one-sided love, but there’s no one else for him. Even now, no one can make his heart beat like Kai.

“You okay?” Sehun asks, and as soon as the question slips out of his mouth, he regrets.

“Do I fucking look okay?” Kai snaps and Sehun jerks back. Kai’s eyes are bloodshot red. “Hyung is strong. He’ll fight through this,” Sehun assures Kai, and the other stares at his shoes once again. “I should have forced him to stay home!” Kai screams, kicking the air as if the accident was his mistake. He hits the wall behind him in frustration. Sehun licks his lips, heart caving into an emotional breakdown. He places his hand on Kai’s shoulder. Sehun stares at Kai, watching his crush cry in his palms. He wants to hug and console Kai, but he has no rights. He could only wish his warm hands could channel his support.

“Excuse me?” a nurse breaks the tension, and Kai rushes to stand in front of the nurse, next to his parents. “How is he?” Sehun’s father asks, and Kai wipes his tears,

The doctor steps out of the operating room, removing his surgical cap seriously with a sigh. It looks bad, and Sehun grips his mother’s arm, “We managed to stop the bleeding, but I’m sorry… he won’t last.”

Kai takes a few steps back and instantly, Sehun grabs his mother. She cries in his arms and his father turns to hug Kai. Just then, Kai’s family joins them and both mothers start crying in each other’s arms. Sehun just couldn’t stand the situation. He’s losing his brother and best friend. Squatting against the wall, Sehun sobs quietly but quickly, he stands when the nurse informs them Baekhyun will be transferred to the intensive care unit.

They are allowed to see Baekhyun. His parents and Kai walk in first. Sehun stands with Kai’s family outside the private room. He sends them a glance, not knowing what to say and how to act. It’s not his scene. But Kai’s mother is a nice woman and she leans close to hold Sehun. No words are shared between them but the comfort is much appreciated.

“Sehun?” Sehun snaps to look at his father, who’s peeking through the door. Sehun gets called in and he finds Kai hunched by the bed with Baekhyun’s hands in his grip tightly. His mother sits on the other side, looking worse than she was and finally, Sehun lands his eyes properly on his brother. “Hyung,” Sehun cries, tears unstoppable. He kneels next to the bed and slowly puts his hand on his brother’s leg. Baekhyun is awake, but he’s in so much pain. His face is swollen with lots of bruises and cuts. There are stitches around his lips, eyes, and chin. Underneath the blanket, his injury is hidden, but his left leg is plastered.

The wire on his hand restricts his movements, yet slowly, he reaches his hand to Sehun. Sehun reaches out to hold, “I’m here Hyung…” Sehun cries and stares as Baekhyun urges Kai to take Sehun’s hand. Sehun blinks and Kai sighs. Kai seems to look angry and sad, shaking his head as if he knows what Baekhyun is trying to convey, “Kai, please…” Baekhyun barely whispers, but his strained and pained voice sounded loud in the silent and tense room.

Baekhyun places Kai’s hand on Sehun’s and sends Sehun a weak smile, “Marry him, will you?” Baekhyun says when Kai ignores him and instantly, Sehun flames up in both embarrassment and anger. “I can’t Hyung… he’s yours.”

“I am not going to be here for him. He will need you.” Baekhyun says,

“I don’t need anyone who isn’t you,” Kai snaps, pulling his hand off Baekhyun’s grip. Sehun tries not to show the hurt on his face, but his heart breaks into tiny pieces. “Hyung… we’re all praying for you. Let’s believe in the magic of prayers. You’ll be fine. You’ll marry Kai, be by his side.” Baekhyun smiles weakly and shakes his head. He knows he’s not going to last and Sehun hates how despite his condition, his brother still looks sure and confident in his decision and choice.

“When I’m gone, promise me you’ll marry my brother…” Baekhyun turns to look at Kai, running his fingers through Kai’s disheveled hair. “Why are you doing this?” Kai scolds, “Just survive…”

“Stop being stubborn,” Baekhyun winces, gasping for air all of a sudden. Pain creeps on his expression, “promise me,” he breathes heavily, forcing Kai to make a promise. He turns to look at their parents, “When I’m gone… do this one favor for me. I’ll go in peace.”

“Baby, please…” Kai cries, and Sehun just couldn’t say anything anymore. “Promise me, Kai; the same date, same time…. you’ll marry Sehun.”

Baekhyun gasps for more air, and the machine starts beeping, “Kai…” Baekhyun reaches out to hold his lover’s hand one last time, tears rolling down his eyes. “It’ll make me happy.”

Another gasp of air and Sehun kneels closer, “Hyung….” But Baekhyun is focusing on Kai, waiting for the big promise. A nurse rushes in, urging them to leave the room. Everything becomes a mess. There’s a rush but Baekhyun holds onto Kai’s hand, “Kai… one last gift, one last promise.” They share a look longingly, sending each other some unsaid words. Kai looks away sadly and,

Finally, Kai nods, “One last kiss.” He stands to kiss Baekhyun on the lips before being dragged out by the nurse. Sehun stands by the mirror wall and watches the nurse try to bring his brother back to life, but it all happens in a split second – a yes from Kai, and he closes his eyes to a peaceful sleep. His doctors rush in too, doing the same procedure but Baekhyun has left them. Everyone breaks down in the corridor, accepting the awful fate.

Sehun stares blankly at Kai. It’s an awkward moment. As both families mourn for the loss, Sehun stares through the glass window to see his brother’s body covered with the blanket. He hears discussions of the burial and everything necessary from now on. It feels empty. A part of him is snatched and pulled away in the most gruesome way. Yet, fate was being kind to him – kindness, which he refuses to believe and accept. This is not how he expected his life to turn out.

Sehun sends Kai a glance and looks away. Now is not the time to reminisce about his romantic experience. He has to pull himself together, help his family with the necessary rituals. One last glance to his brother, Sehun leaves the ‘ _promise’_ by the side and joins the discussion with the elderly men. Maybe, being busy will distract his confused heart and mind. Perhaps the promise will be forgotten too.

\--//--

Two days after all the final rituals, only close family and friends stayed back. The air is grave and dense. No one smiles or laughs, no one talks loudly and everyone behaves robotically. If Baekhyun was alive, he’d yell something out of nowhere and force everyone to cheer up. Sehun knows his brother hates this zero mood, but there’s nothing he can do. Sehun locks himself up in the room to avoid the awkwardness in the house – the room he shares with his brother. He’s in their place, going through all their things. There are hundreds of pictures of them together. In most of them, they’re wearing the same shirt. Mom loved to dress them up the same. She’d buy a pair of everything and have them wear at the same time.

In some pictures, Sehun looked upset – Baekhyun always teased him and pulled his cheeks. Sehun was one chubby little kid at that time, and his brother loved his cheeks. He’d get bitten all the time and when it got too much for Sehun, he’d cry. They cycled together, caught chickens in their grandma’s backyard, did weird things together, and went on trips together.

Sehun smiles; memories bring back memories.

He sniffles and packs everything into a box and pushes it under the bed. Hiding in the room where no one would walk in, Sehun cries. It’s 5.30 pm, and in two hours there’ll be a scheduled call from his brother but not anymore. He didn’t get a call that day, and neither will he get one anymore. He wipes his tears and takes a deep breath. He hears his name being called and to confirm his ears; he hears his name once again. Sehun runs down,

“Yes?” he finds both his parents and Kai’s parents sitting in the living room, with Kai leaning against the dining table. Something is up, “Did we forget a ritual?” Sehun asks, noticing the tension and thickness in the air.

“Have a seat, Sehun.” Kai’s mother says, calling Sehun to sit next to her. They ignore his question and start staring at him. He shifts awkwardly, interlacing his fingers nervously as he waits for them to say something. “Sehun…” his father starts and Sehun knows it’s regarding something serious. “We’ve agreed to carry on the wedding.”

“What wedding?” Sehun asks and regrets immediately. It comes pouring on him. It’s his wedding they’re talking about; his marriage with Kai. Sehun glances towards Kai quickly and finds the other still hunched by the table, deep in his own misery. “Yours… with Kai.”

“We’re going on with the promise?” Sehun asks softly, directing his question to all the elderlies in the room, and he catches a movement from Kai. The man drags a chair and finally sits with a soft sigh escaping his lips. “It was his last wish, and we should honor it.”

“I know we should honor it, but it’s marriage, not a walk in the park,” Sehun argues, still glancing towards Kai, hoping the other would say something.

“Kai is fine with this…” His mother says, “Is he?” Sehun now looks at Kai, meeting eyes with the man. “You’re really fine with this?”

Kai only nods, and when their parents are sure that a decision has been made, they leave the room for Sehun and Kai to talk. Sehun keeps staring at Kai and the man looks uninterested with his eyes fixed on the floor. “Are you sure you want to get married to me?” Sehun asks Kai as he moves closer to stand in front of the other. Kai scoffs and shakes his head.

“Sehun, be serious, will you?”

“I am serious.”

“I am just fulfilling Baekhyun’s promise.” Sehun’s heart snaps into two upon hearing Kai's words. He knew Kai only wanted to fulfill the promise, but hearing it out loud pricks his heart. “He wants me to marry you, and I will marry you.” Kai continues as a matter of fact, and unknowingly, Sehun finds his vision getting blurry. He blinks his eyes and finds Kai staring at him without any emotions. “So this… means nothing?” Sehun stutters, shivering.

“Why are you behaving as if you want something out of this?” Kai scoffs, getting up from the chair. He stands tall in front of Sehun. “Do you like me, Sehun?” he snickers and gives Sehun a look from head to toe. Sehun keeps mum and looks away, refusing to hear the shatters of his weak heart. However, his mouth works faster than his mind, “I do,” and turns around before he could see Kai’s reaction or hear any of his spiteful words.

\--//--

Preparations for the wedding start two days later and Sehun tries; he tries his level best to put up a smiling face. His parents are somehow in a jovial mood, claiming to feel some sort of blessing from Baekhyun to carry on with their lives and the wedding, but Sehun is stuck feeling lost. He’s about to marry someone who clearly doesn’t love him although he has been pining for the said guy for almost fifteen years. Life is playing its card in the most cunning way. Sehun doesn’t know what to expect out of this. Sehun stares as his mother discusses with a florist about the last minute changes in plans and budget. Almost everything is minimized; decorations are changed to something light, and food is prepared only for family and close friends. The wedding itself is conducted within close ones, so there’s no need for extra expenditure.

She reminds him to meet Kai for their suit fitting, but Sehun doubts Kai will want to join him for their outfit trial. He doesn’t roll his eyes in front of her, but the urge did make him roll his eyes. She calls Kai’s mother right away to Sehun’s dismay and plans a date and time for them all to be there for the fitting. Sehun could feel his soul flying out of his body. He couldn’t bring himself to meet Kai after subtly confessing his crush on the other but here he is, nodding as she informs him about the time. They will be meeting tomorrow for lunch and head for the fitting after.

Sehun hides in his room with an excuse to complete his story. He has a deadline to adhere to, and although he’s ahead by weeks, Sehun wishes to keep writing, to keep his mind distracted. He’s doing it well until he is summoned downstairs by his mother for dinner. Reluctantly, Sehun leaves the room. At first, he wanted to skip dinner and keep the momentum of writing but quickly reconsiders his decision. He cannot leave them alone.

“What are you doing here?” Sehun asks as soon as he sees Kai and to his surprise, his face heats up like an old furnace. _Fuck_. Sehun curses mentally, hating how his heart and mind work differently in front of this man. His mother glares at him and Kai ignores him, making himself comfortable on the chair at the dining table. They’re having dinner together and the urge to get back to his room itches his feet but, he sighs and joins everyone at the table. He steals glances at Kai dressed in a buttoned-down shirt with necktie hanging low and sleeves rolled up. Sehun starts eating, unaware of his parents expecting him to serve Kai. Thankfully, the man fills his plate and starts eating. “Sehun, Kai…” his father calls, noticing the awkwardness.

“Marriage is a long term relationship,” he starts, and Sehun stares at his plate to avoid meeting eyes with anyone at the table. He wasn’t expecting to have deep talks during dinner. “I know this is not the circumstance you both wished to be married in, but you have both known each other since young.”

Sehun licks his lips and twirls the noodles with the fork. They have indeed known each other since young, but Sehun doubts Kai knows him like how he knows Kai. “Be friends; get to know each other…” Sehun shifts his gaze to look at Kai.

“It’s not going to be easy for me,” Kai mumbles tiredly, massaging his temples. They share a look briefly, and both look away without saying anything. “I just don’t want us to be strangers or enemies,” Sehun mumbles, suppressing his idea of falling in love permanently with Kai. Kai looks up from his plate and looks at Sehun.

“Don’t have any expectations from me,” Kai says, causing gasps to be heard from both parents. They are surprised, but Sehun isn’t. He expected this. He knew this would happen, and honestly, if he loved Kai from distant for fifteen years, he can do the same now. What difference will their marriage make?

“Kai, this is not how it’s supposed to be?” his mother says, trying to coax Kai into believing good things can happen, love can re-bloom, and everything could be fine once again. Kai smiles, but his smile is sad, and his eyes are empty. His eyes were never like that. Since Baekhyun’s death, they have been barren and distant.

“It’s okay, dad…” Sehun says, stopping his dad from pressuring Kai and ruining whatever they could have. “I’ll be busy too. I doubt we’ll- I guess we’ll be fine.”

His mother looks disappointed, and his father expects more from him, “Let’s let this go with time, okay?” Sehun suggests they let this marriage grow on its own.

“Sweetie,” his mother reaches out to hold his hand, but Sehun shakes his head and smiles. He will be fine.

\--//--

The fitting session proves to be torturing for Sehun not because he’s stuck with the ladies trying to fix him up with Kai but it's Kai himself, looking like the epitome of God while checking the fit of his wedding suit. Sehun swallows nervously. But each time, his throat runs dry, so dry that he ends up coughing and getting thirsty. Sehun leans against the couch, staring at Kai’s back when he walks out to check on the fit once again.

Sehun prepared his mind and soul for their lunch but unfortunately, Kai didn’t join them with an excuse of having an impromptu meeting, but he made it on time for the fitting. Sehun believes the meeting was a lie but he’s glad they didn’t have to sit in front of each other awkwardly during lunch. “Sehun, what do you think of Kai’s suit?” Kai’s mom giggles when she catches him staring intently at Kai. Sehun looks away when Kai looks at him through the vast mirror.

Sehun blinks dumbly and stutters, moving nervously on the couch and clears his throat. “Ermmm…” he glances towards Kai quickly and shrugs, “I think it’s good. Just an inch in around the waist will be nicer.” Sehun says, and the tailor standing by Kai’s side quickly adjusts Kai’s jacket and hums, “The boy has good eyes,” the tailor says and asks Kai if it’s good for him. Kai nods and removes the jacket, revealing the tight white dress shirt.

Sehun huffs and takes a deep breath, forcing his eyes to stare at the mannequin at the corner of the shop. He tries badly, but his eyes keep glancing at Kai’s tight shirt, broad, sexy back. He’s so doomed. He told himself to keep his desires in a treasure box, but seems like it will be difficult for him to bury his yearnings for the man. Sehun remembers one time when Kai stayed over at their place in the spare room next door, Kai had walked out of the bathroom with a towel around his waist20 and Sehun stopped in his tracks to openly gape at the other. At that time, Sehun was a hormonal 15-year-old teenager and Kai was 23; young and sexy. Sehun slept the night with a raging fire in his stomach with the image of naked Kai in his head.

“Sehun?”

Sehun snaps out of his thoughts and stares at his mother, “Sorry,” he mumbles and stands, saying his goodbye to the tailor. They will have their suits fixed and sent home a day before the wedding and Sehun coils when he counts the days left – three more days to the wedding; three more days and he’ll be Kai’s other, undesired half.

\--//--

Sehun is in an emotional mess. He broke down in the bathroom and now he’s breaking down in front of his dresser. The whole situation doesn’t seem right, not in a way he shouldn’t be married to Kai but it doesn’t seem right in a sense where he knows his life ahead will be without love. Sehun never actually thought of getting married. He didn’t dream of getting married because of an apparent reason - his crush is getting married to his brother, but now, he’s marrying the same crush without love in return. Sehun is afraid to lose himself to love. He’s scared of the everlasting one-sided love.

His phone on the dresser vibrates and quickly, Sehun picks up the call when he reads the name on the screen, “Hi…” he greets his friend and relaxes for a bit. “Aren’t you supposed to be here?” Sehun asks, hoping to have someone who knows his heart in and out with him during the ceremony. “I will see you later,” Sehun answers through the phone, anticipating the arrival of his friend.

He glances at his watch after disconnecting the phone call and takes a deep breath; anytime now. One last glance at his reflection in the mirror of the rented room, Sehun makes his way out, meeting his father halfway. “Dad,” Sehun smiles as he adjusts his father’s tie. “You look good, son,” he gets praised and both make their way to the open area, where the wedding will be held. It’s a garden wedding; all dreamy, almost like a fairy-tale.

Sehun spots Kai in the middle of the crowd, talking to someone Sehun couldn’t recognize. For a brief second, Sehun’s breath gets stuck in his throat, forcing him to ruin his image by choking on his spit. Everyone’s attention is on him within seconds, and Sehun turns around to take a deep breath, hiding his embarrassment. He did choke on his spit upon looking at his _‘soon to be husband._ ’ “You okay, Sehun?” his father sounds worried, and Sehun nods rapidly. He is okay; he is fine, but Kai is not okay, and he’s not fine. Sehun can’t be choking again in front of Kai, but he has to blame the other for his condition.

Kai looks beyond fine in his black Gucci suit. It’s unbelievable how fine he looks. From his hair to his light makeup, Kai manages to pull Sehun’s heartstrings without even trying. Sehun fists his hands together, hoping to warm himself up but he can’t help his body from going cold, expecting warmth from the man he’s about to call husband. Once again, he turns around to send everyone an awkward smile and as expected, the crowd, which consists of their families and close friends, laughs at him. Sehun turns pink.

Kai makes his way to the middle, at the altar with a marriage officiant standing behind him. Sehun doesn’t recognize the man. He can’t be their local priest since Sehun knows the man. Sehun keeps his awkward smile and heads towards Kai, not meeting eyes with the other but he sneakily steals glances. Up close, the man looks perfect. His hair is styled neatly with a fresh cut, lips glossed seductively and his eyes, lined with thin kohl, capturing and trapping Sehun with a stern gaze.

Sehun keeps his gaze fixed on Kai’s chin, not meeting eyes with the other, but when he glances to look at the other as the officiant recites their vows, Sehun wishes he never looked at the other. Kai’s eyes are empty, bare, and emotionless as he repeats his part of the vows. It’s Sehun’s turn now. Sehun’s lips quiver and his voice shake. He can’t repeat the vows. Sehun can’t make empty vows, and if he recites them, he’ll give his heart to this man. “Sehun?” his cousin nudges him, and he blinks out of his thoughts to glance at his mother, father, and Sehun blinks his eyes rapidly, knowing he won’t see his brother in the crowd.

With a heavy heart, Sehun repeats the vows - he promises to share his time, attention, bring joy, strength, and imagination to their relationship. He promises to stay by the other during weakness and sickness, and when he has to say the final lines of the vows, Sehun looks directly into the other’s eyes. To Kai, Sehun might mean nothing, but from now on, Kai will be his husband, his better half, “I promise to cherish and love you” Sehun says, blinking his tears away.

Kai clenches his jaw as he stares back at Sehun and when he takes Sehun’s hand to exchange rings, his touch is the opposite of his expression. Sehun holds Kai’s hand dearly as this could be the first and last time they’ll hold each other. Sehun smiles at the matching golden band on their fingers, staring at it as that’s the only thing holding them together.

“You may now kiss your husband,” the officiant says and Sehun snaps his head in surprise towards the giggly man. Sehun had forgotten that they have to kiss, and awkwardly, he glances at his _‘husband’_ hoping for Kai to say or do something. Sehun is _not_ expecting a kiss, but the crowd surely is with the way they are hollering and cheering. Kai inches closer without warning and he leans down, raising Sehun’s expectations for his first kiss. Sehun could feel the heat all over his body, his cheeks flaming as if a volcano had erupted on them, and when Kai sent him a glance, Sehun melted. Thankfully, he stands firm and slowly, he shuts his eyes, waiting for the kiss.

Sehun is lightheaded with anticipation and when he feels the feathery touch of Kai’s lips against his skin, Sehun isn’t sure if his reaction is on par with his expectations. It’s not. Kai’s lips stayed on his forehead for a few seconds before pulling away, leaving Sehun breathless and broken. He shouldn’t have expected when he knew it was impossible. The harmonious clap forces Sehun to take a step away from Kai and he keeps the bright smile on his face although he wishes to run and hide.

The party begins shortly after the kiss. Kai leaves his side to meet and greet some of his friends and Sehun makes himself comfortable on the chair with their wedding cake to nurse his sour mood. His eyes follow Kai, watching the other laugh and hug someone else. Sehun pathetically envies everyone now. “Are you going to keep sulking or you’re going to hug me?” Sehun turns around to the voice, standing with his hands cupping his mouth in surprise,

“Jude?!” Sehun screams, “Oh my God, Jude?!” Sehun jumps into the other’s arms happily, ignoring curious eyes on him.

“I told you, I’ll be here…” Jude hugs him back, and Sehun finally breaks his walls to his friend. Having someone familiar and close makes breathing easier, Sehun pulls away to drag Jude to sit next to him. “Which one is your husband?” Jude asks, curiously glancing around for someone that’ll match Sehun’s style. “Guess which?” Sehun chuckles, taking another bite of his cake as Jude hums,

“I know your taste Sehun. I should be able to look and find him by myself. What’s so special about him that you rejected me twice…” Jude says, sending Sehun a longing look. Sehun smiles and shakes his head. One thing he hid from Jude is that; his crush loves his brother, and now he’s married to his crush who’s supposed to marry his brother.

“Is he that dude?” Jude points exactly to Kai and on cue, the other turns around and frowns. “He looks exactly like your type babe” Jude laughs, and he spots their matching, glowing ring. “The same ring,” he slaps Sehun’s thigh happily, forcing a yelp out of Sehun’s mouth. Sehun smiles politely as he notices Kai’s curious gaze and knowing Jude is too touchy, Sehun wonders if Kai will get upset. However, he turns around to continue his conversation, Sehun sighs quietly.

As the party carries on with dinner and drinks, Sehun stays next to Jude. His mother joins them out of curiosity, asking about Jude but thankfully she doesn’t suspect anything about Jude and deems him only as Sehun’s friend. Drinks after drinks, Sehun stops before he gets tipsy. He hardly spent any time with Kai. He stayed with Jude, nursing his heartache with cake and champagne. As newlyweds, they didn’t have dinner together, and neither did they have their first dance. Sehun couldn’t complain; there’s no use for him to demand anything. It will only strain their non-existent relationship.

The guests start to leave and slowly, Sehun excuses himself. Kai is still enjoying himself with his friends, so without bothering the other, Sehun excuses himself to their room – an overnight chalet by the river. The riverside resort is lovely, but Sehun doesn’t want to be seen enjoying the view alone on the night of his wedding. It wouldn’t be nice, so Sehun decides to call it a night to shower and rest.

_“Shut up,”_ Sehun mentally scolds, hating his mind’s lewd thoughts. It’s his wedding night for heaven’s sake and he’s a virgin. He’ll be in a room with his crush, husband, spending their night together. The thought is making him giddy with what could happen. He scoffs all of a sudden and his excitement and emotions switch off like a bulb, “He hates me,” Sehun mumbles, staring at his reflection in the mirror. The whole room feels big, and he feels small and vulnerable all of a sudden.

“He hates me,” Sehun repeats, all of a sudden breaking down into big fat tears. Head hung low; Sehun remembers the feathery kiss Kai placed on his forehead and sobs harder. He’s probably the unluckiest lover on earth; he has Kai with him, legally bonded, but they’re nothing but strangers. “Why did I marry him? Why didn’t I fight and disagree?” he asks his reflection as he stares at the mirror, at his bloodshot eyes and pink cheeks. “Why?”

The question is left unanswered and he pushes himself off the dresser. Sehun walks into the bathroom. He unbuttons his pants and shirt, throws them into the hamper by the glass door and gets under the shower in no time. The warm water hits his skin like pins, pricking into his aching heart and while he rubs his head with soap, lathering it down to his body, Sehun decides to stay loyal to his relationship for as long as he can. “If he wants to be with someone else, I’ll leave him,” Sehun whispers, washing his face with his special face wash.

Sehun dries his body with a clean towel and heads out after securing the towel around his waist. He takes a deep breath when he notices no one else in the room and quickly grabs his bottle of lotion to apply all over his legs and hands. It’s a habit he has had since his teenage days. Sitting on the chair in front of the dressing table, Sehun bends down to generously apply lotion all over his leg, “I’ll take the bed since I came earlier. He can occupy whichever ground he thinks is suitable for him to sleep.” Sehun mumbles, pressing white liquid onto his palm.

He then starts applying lotion on his arms, around the neck, and once he’s done, he keeps the lotion on the dressing table and heads to the built-in wardrobe where he kept his luggage and clothes. Sehun pulls out a pair of sweatpants and a long-sleeved t-shirt, bringing them over to the middle of the room, only to freeze on the spot when he finds Kai standing against the door.

He is staring – intently with his eyes trailing up and down Sehun’s half-naked body. Sehun gulps and holds his clothes close to his chest. He turns around quickly, heart racing faster than a horse in his chest, and promptly strides back to the built-in wardrobe to change in peace, but somehow knowing Kai is around, it is difficult for Sehun to behave like a normal human being. He gasps, holding his breath when he hears and feels someone so close to him, breathing next to his ears, spreading heat all over his bared back. “Wh-what are you doing?” Sehun stutters, taking a step away from the intoxicating heat, but he’s pulled close with an arm around his cold waist.

“Consummating the marriage,” Kai whispers, nuzzling his nose over the dip of Sehun’s shoulder and Sehun shivers in both excitement and confusion. Kai continues mapping Sehun’s body with his lips and hands which sends a hundred volts of electricity through his mind, body, and soul bringing him to the urge of surrendering to his husband, giving his all for this one chance of touch, hold, and emotions. He can smell the alcohol on Kai but Sehun leans back against Kai’s clothed chest as his hand works lower, untangling the towel around his waist. The heat from embarrassment and eagerness burns him red all over his face and neck, but Sehun ignores it and moans weakly.

Kai’s touches are like flames - fiery, rough, and dangerous. And such danger is leading Sehun to a path where he can’t say no. “So needy,” Kai whispers into Sehun’s ears, fondling his sack, forcing Sehun to widen his legs. “Look at you,” Kai says, deliberately ignoring Sehun’s hard member while continuing to fondle his heavy sack. Sehun takes hold of his cock, pumping it with eagerness, but Kai growls in his ears as a warning.

“I want you to come without touching yourself,” Kai warns, pushing Sehun to stand by the dressing table and the sight of him all flushed with Kai looking dangerously hot and sexy in the mirror makes Sehun’s cock harder and more desperate with building orgasm. He’s leaking, and Kai’s chuckle is full of tease. “So desperate to be touched,” Kai says again, and this time, he curls his hand around Sehun’s sensitive cock and starts pumping him harder. Sehun releases a shameful moan, loud and needy, and his moan pushes Kai to work faster on him.

“I-I am…” Sehun shouts, gripping the edges of the dressing table tightly, then leans and puts his weight against the other. Kai teases using his thumb with an unbearable speed and not long after, Sehun shoots his loads all over Kai’s hand and the table. He falls forward, gasping for air, but he doesn’t get to catch his breath. “Get on the bed and spread your legs,” Kai commands, slapping his ass and Sehun winces, looking at Kai from over his shoulders.

He finds the other removing his clothes, starting from his jacket. His dress shirt falls on the floor next, and Sehun freezes on his spot as Kai’s sweaty, glazed body comes to a full view. He drools, stomach-churning hungrily, and his limp cock twitches once again. Wobbly, he walks over to the bed, but before he could even get on the bed, Kai pushes him onto his stomach and pulls his hips out.

“How do you want it?” Kai asks, massaging his globes, but he slaps them hard when Sehun doesn’t reply. Sehun moans loudly, gripping the sheets under him. It’s all happening too fast, and Sehun can’t seem to look and admire Kai properly. He wants to see Kai, but when he tries to turn around and look, with the idea of pleasuring his _husband_ , Kai pushes him down and pushes a finger into his hole without warning. Sehun screams into the sheets,

“Kai!!!!” He tries to push his hips up, but the finger in his hole keeps him in place, and Kai has a hand on his waist, pinning him down on the bed. “Moan,” Kai grits, pushing another finger in, and Sehun’s heart clenches weirdly, although his body is working on enjoying and accepting the pleasure in his most vulnerable place. He moans, but the painful intrusion in his hole makes him clench, and Kai hisses, asking him to relax. Kai leans forward, trails his fingers up and down Sehun’s back, leaning forward to place kisses all over his shoulder blades, “Relax,” Kai assures once again, and he adds another finger, moving deeper in a controlled movement.

“Kai…” Sehun breathes, “You can…” he moans all of a sudden when Kai’s finger hits his sensitive spot. His cock is heavy once again, demanding for attention and another round of release, and thankfully, Kai gets the hint. “I am pushing in now,” he announces. Sehun nods weakly, getting ready for it.

The anticipation is almost volcanic, waiting to erupt. When Sehun feels the tip of Kai’s hard and thick cock over his wet and needy hole, he moans once again. Kai massages his globes while whispering about how he looks, “Such a needy hole for a slutty one,” he whispers and pushes in slowly, without waiting for Sehun to adjust to his size. He keeps going, keeps pushing until Sehun chokes on the fullness. He pulls out slowly, setting a rhythm, and once Sehun adjusts and relaxes to the presence of Kai’s cock, Kai quickens his pace.

He’s moaning too; groaning and cursing. His rhythm is steady. His hold on Sehun’s waist is strong, and his desperation to reach a climax sends Sehun into a black hole of only ecstasy and pleasure. His cock twitches painfully, leaking on the bed, and behind him, Kai’s steady movements become rushed and sloppy. “Fuck, you’re fucking tight,” Kai says, pushing deeper and deeper, going rougher. Sehun is on his knees, but he’s at the edge. He can feel Kai reaching his climax too, and when he moans loudly, gasping and pleading, Kai releases his warm loads inside him as Sehun reaches his peak at the same time, spilling on the bed. Kai breathes loudly, gasping for air while Sehun milks him dry.

As Sehun calms down from the ecstasy, mind-clearing into consciousness, he blinks his eyes properly to see the mess under him. Kai pulls out, forcing Sehun to cry over the sensitivity, and he loses his balance, falling right onto the puddle of mess on the bed. Kai steps out of bed, leaving Sehun to ponder about the moment they shared. He hears the shower running, assuming Kai is finally taking a shower and the thought of having to shower once again annoys Sehun. He turns around weakly, staring at the ceiling above him as a wave of emptiness greets him in a mocking chill. This is his first time - first sexual intercourse. It’s meant to be meaningful though there’s nothing he can say about how he lost his virginity to his husband but to Sehun, this one act of affection is something he will always hold on to.

Sehun forces himself off the bed despite his weak, jelly muscle. He pulls out the dirty sheets, rolls it, and keeps it by the side of the bed. Glancing at the bathroom, Sehun decides he’ll shower when he regains consciousness for all he could think about now is sleep and rest his body but at the same time, he wished Kai would join him on the bed and hold him to sleep. However, that doesn’t happen, and Sehun falls asleep before he hears Kai stepping out of the shower.

\--//--

Morning greets Sehun awkwardly – he got up too early with heaviness in his chest. Despite knowing he wouldn’t see Kai on the bed next to him, Sehun still cries a little. He hoped; he wished for his husband to join him on the bed, but Kai didn’t. Pitifully, Sehun drags his dirty, sticky self to the bathroom and washed, sobbing silently as he wipes between his legs clean. The remnants remind him of his first time, his unexpected moment with his husband. Sehun sobs harder, but the shower swallows his cries as it washes away the memories. Sehun glances to see his back once his body feels lighter. He could feel aches on his lower back, and what he saw didn't surprise him. He sees bruises; his pale skin is tinted blue and black, which reminds him of the rough, quick sex with Kai.

“Ohhh,” he sobs, placing both hands against the wall but his knees go limp and before he allows them to give up on him, he turns and leans against the wall, his emotions and feelings now hitting him at its best.

The scene from last night replays in his head and Sehun hates how his body is reacting to it. Kai’s touches, his voice, his breathy moans, and his thick cock that pounded him to the brim; every part of it brings Sehun’s limp cock to life and unconsciously he replays the whole moment until he reaches his climax.

It’s truly embarrassing. It’s by far the most embarrassing thing Sehun has done in his life. Sehun is devastated and disappointed in himself, but he reasons his actions with their pretentious label. They’re husbands and Sehun has rights, although Kai hates him like he’s some kind of lowlife.

Once he’s clean and properly dressed, Sehun heads out of the room. He hopes to find Kai, see his husband, but unfortunately, the rented room is empty. Sehun checks his phone and reads the tonnes of messages, one of them from his mother, telling him they should meet for breakfast together before heading back to their homes.

The breakfast is awkward as Sehun avoids looking at Kai, but he keeps trying to glance at his husband, who looks unaffected by their deed last night. Sehun keeps his smile, pretending to be in his best state despite breaking bit by bit mentally and emotionally. He gets pushed to sit next to his husband who again, ignores him but Sehun, being respectful, decides to speak. “You left quite early,” Sehun says, lightly hinting about Kai leaving without informing. “I thought we’d grab breakfast together.”

Kai scoffs softly. Sehun freezes and stares at the other. He didn’t expect such a reaction, and beside them, no one hears their brief cold interaction. Sehun keeps staring at Kai, waiting for a verbal answer, but the other ignores him completely, focusing on his plate rather intently. “What are you both whispering about over there?” Kai’s mother surprises Sehun with her question, and he quickly looks at her, relaxing his expression. Sehun shakes his head with a shy smile, “Nothing,” he answers.

“Anyways,” Sehun’s father interjects, “Have you both decided on where to live since both of you have your own places?”

Sehun widens his eyes. “Huh?” he reacts stupidly.

“You can’t be living apart. One of you has to move in to the other’s.” Kai’s father reasons and Sehun turns blank for a moment. His house is his haven. Shifting with Kai would lead to further heartbreak and aching loneliness. This time Sehun glances to look at Kai and finds the other in deep thoughts. Kai is tapping his coffee mug seriously, and Sehun gets the hint. “I don’t mind living separately. We could meet on the weekends.” Sehun suggests, hoping that his suggestion would relieve Kai’s worry. However, Kai sends Sehun a scrutinizing look that shuts him up completely,

“Move into mine. You’ll cause trouble by staying apart.” He says boringly as if the whole ordeal doesn’t faze him. Sehun understands Kai is trying to avoid questions and suspicion from the elders, but moving in would distance them more. It’s a risk. Sehun listens to their parents’ discussion; they seem to agree with Kai’s suggestion. It’s more convenient for Sehun to shift since he’s a writer who works from home. If Kai was to move into Sehun’s place, it would be troublesome since he’s a manager in an advertising company who has to be at the office every day.

“Is it decided then?” Kai asks, and Sehun scowls at his tone. He sounds impatient and annoyed. _“What’s your problem?”_ Sehun wishes to ask, but he swallows the question and nods.

\--//--

Three days of continuous shifting, Sehun finally settles in Kai’s ‘ _cozy’_ house. He didn’t expect Kai to own a double-story, corner lot house. He seemed to be the condominium kind of guy, but the house screams ‘ _home,’_ and it looks like a good investment. Throughout the shifting period, Sehun doesn’t see Kai, but the mothers are around. They kept him company. Sehun managed to reason for a separate room although at first, they hated the idea. He prefers privacy while working on his on-going novel, and they agreed on one condition that Sehun must sleep in Kai’s room. Sehun agrees; but it’s only to please them.

The house is big, empty, and lonely with Sehun trying to fit in on his own. He paces around his room, redecorating to his preference. He has the bed pushed to the window, wardrobe by the wall opposite the attached bathroom, and his work table next to the bed by the window. He bought a new bookshelf that would fit perfectly with the interior of the room, and Sehun has all his books and magazines arranged by genre.

Once he’s done with the room, Sehun walks around the house. He inspects the kitchen first since it’ll be one of his most visited rooms in the house. Sehun loves cooking and eating snacks at odd hours, so he checks the pantry and refrigerator only to get disappointed when it’s empty. He makes a mental note to order groceries online and moves to inspect the living room, his second favorite place. But Sehun doubts he’ll be relaxing much in the living room. The 70 inch TV is somehow very attractive, and Sehun being a movie maniac heads closer to it to look for a controller.

He gets comfortable on the sofa and starts browsing for a nice movie. It’s such a heavenly experience; to watch _A Walk to Remember_ in high definition, widescreen. With the controller in hand, Sehun scoots to the edge of the sofa and pulls his legs up to properly enjoy the movie. He’s such a sap for romance.

As he focuses on the movie, Sehun remembers his duty as a _husband_. He doesn’t know what time Kai will be back, but he assumes he’ll be back around regular hours and considers preparing a meal. Sehun enjoys the movie smiling, scowling, and sobbing, and when it ends, he’s too drained to make dinner. But the happiness of finally cooking for someone pushes Sehun out of the sofa, to the kitchen.

He gets started with the ingredients, chopping some onions, slicing some garlic, mixing some paste, and finally, he minces some meat and gathers them all into a pot. On a slow flame, he boils them, adding some salt and spices. When it comes to a boil, Sehun gets a tablespoon and scoops some soup. He blows the soup cold and takes a sip. “Perfect!” he exclaims, smiling proudly and adds some cabbages for a final touch. He lets the soup simmer for a few more minutes and turns around to look for rice.

He finds a packet of rice in the fridge, “Who even puts uncooked rice in the fridge?” Sehun grumbles and pours the appropriate amount in a pot before rinsing them and transfers the rice into the rice cooker and measures the amount of water with his finger. Sehun learned the trick from his mother. He goes back to his soup after switching on the rice cooker and turns off the stove. “A simple meal would do, right?” Sehun stands in the middle of the kitchen, looking at the pot and cooking rice. “I made whatever I can from what he has,” he consoles his nervous heart and starts cleaning up.

He glances at the time, waiting anxiously for a figure to walk through the door, but as the clock strikes six, then seven, then eight; Sehun’s heart churns weirdly. It's dinner time and Kai isn’t back yet. He waits longer, staring at the TV blankly. His stomach rumbles hungrily, but Sehun wishes to eat with Kai. Then, at almost 9.30, Sehun hears Kai’s car getting on the driveway. Sehun turns cold and nervous, preparing a smile to welcome Kai back and invite him for dinner together. Sehun pretends to be immersed in the cooking show, pretending not to hear Kai pushing the door open. “ _Oh_ , you’re back.” Sehun manages to act his nervousness away and welcomes Kai happily.

The other looks tired, drained. He has his suit jacket slung over his arm, a briefcase on the other hand. He has his top two buttons undone, black tie hanging loosely around his neck, and his white shirt sleeves rolled up messily. Kai ignores Sehun’s greeting, making his way silently towards the stairs but Sehun doesn’t give up, “I made dinner.”

Kai stops on the first step, “I ate.” He answers and takes another step.

“ _Oh_ ,” Sehun pouts, “I thought we could have dinner together.”

“Can you stop pretending to be the good husband and do whatever you want without bothering me?”

Sehun blinks in surprise at the outburst and stares at the other in confusion. “I am not trying to be the good husband,” Sehun replies as Kai stops on the step once again to glare at him. “I just thought we could have dinner together.”

“Why should we have dinner together?” Kai questions him back, and it takes Sehun a whole minute to think of an answer, “We’re married…” he whispers.

Kai scoffs, “So?” he raises his eyebrows, “The marriage means nothing to me.” Kai spits, and his words hit Sehun like venom – the instant kill venom. But Sehun, determined to question, speaks more.

“If it means nothing…” Sehun starts, shivering for what he’s about to say, “Why did you sleep with me on the wedding night?”

The question slips out of Sehun’s mouth as a boulder between them, falling with a loud unheard heaviness that stills the air in the house. For a long minute, nothing seems to move, and no one says anything. “ _Why_?” Sehun repeats the question in his head. The issue has been lurking in his head for days and he avoided confronting it but now, it resurfaces in his mind, seeking an answer. Only one person could give the answer, and he’s standing by the stairs with his head hung low.

“I was drunk, and clearly, it was a mistake.”

“A mistake?”

“Stop fretting about it. It was good sex, but it’s not happening ever again.” Kai rolls his eyes, “And, one time doesn’t make us husbands.” Kai spits, disappearing into his room and Sehun slumps on the sofa with words stuck in his mouth, _“We’re husbands before the sex.”_

Sehun’s urge to eat gets buried under his disrupted emotions, but his stomach refuses to let him brood over it. _‘One sex doesn’t make us husbands._ ’ His mind replays Kai’s words over and over again as he reheats the soup. The soup smells nice and it kindles his appetite. Sehun gets a bowl of rice and sits by the kitchen counter; nursing his lonely heart and unlucky fate. Suddenly, everything feels robotic. Sehun works like a robot, doing what he should do without feeling anything and when he’s done with his meal, he cleans up, locks all the doors, and heads to his room.

He passes by Kai’s room, itching to knock and say something, argue more about their relationship, and maybe at least decide on rules, but for an unknown reason, Sehun feels tired and heavy. He needs to lie down and rest.

\--//--

Days pass by in a blink for Sehun. He spends his mornings doing the necessary around the house until one day, he finds a woman coming in, claiming to clean the house. Sehun believes her since she knows her way too well with the house. He finds out that she has been helping the Kims for years. After that, he starts working on his forgotten novel, spending long hours drafting and typing until he’s tired and drained. Sehun settles in front of the TV with his lunch and goes back to typing until it's dinner time.

If his mornings are bearable then his nights are torturous. At least in the morning, he doesn’t see Kai leaving the house, but at night, Sehun waits until Kai gets back and offers the other some food. Sehun knows he’s an idiot for doing so. Kai had made it clear that he won’t be eating dinner, he’s not going to hold responsibility as the husband, they won’t be husbands, but Sehun holds onto his vows. Although he does nothing more than preparing dinner, Sehun still has faith over this broken marriage.

Once again, Kai doesn’t bother with him when he walks in, completely ignoring Sehun’s invitation for dinner but still, Sehun keeps the meal out until the next morning until he’s sure Kai didn’t eat it. But one time, Sehun believes Kai ate it. He can’t be sure, but the amount of rice in the cooker decreased, and some chicken in the stew was missing. Sehun had a broad smile the whole day.

Days turned into weeks, and weeks turned into months. Sehun continues with his daily dinner cooking. He looks up for new recipes, orders groceries online, and waits for Kai until he gets back. Sehun finds these routines comforting as if he’s connected to the other, and he does it happily with the optimism of getting reciprocated one day. Sometimes, Sehun gets out of the house to get some fresh air and a few moments of sun. He smiles at the curious neighbors and when he feels like it, he walks to the nearest park and watches the children play. When the delivery man comes over with his groceries, Sehun spends a few minutes talking to the other. He behaves as if he lives alone; he is alone despite having a husband by law but Sehun doesn’t expect or hope much from Kai.

One morning Sehun wakes up way too early. He’s questionably thirsty and hot. He’s burning up and heads down to grab a glass of water; however, getting down the stairs turns into a difficult task when his head starts aching crazily. His throat feels weird too. Sehun knows he’s coming down with a fever, so, with a hazy mind, he sways over to the kitchen for a glass of water.

He finds Kai sitting at the dining table, with a piece of bread and a jar of jam. The other looks surprised. Sehun is shocked too, but he couldn’t bring his senses to focus on the other. He gets a glass of water quickly and gulps down in a blink, refilling and gulping down once again. Sehun takes a deep breath while he grips the sink to balance himself. After finally calming down, Sehun turns around to look at Kai. “You want me to make you some coffee or something?” Sehun asks when he notices Kai having his breakfast without a drink.

The man ignores him as usual, and Sehun gets another wave of dizziness. He quickly holds the edge of the counter, “Did you eat the chicken last night? Sehun asks Kai, wondering if he’s getting food poisoning. “Answer me for heaven’s sake?” Sehun scolds when Kai doesn’t answer, holding his head tightly.

“No,” Kai answers, and Sehun groans, “Shit, this is not food poisoning.” He whispers, taking a deep breath, but he can feel himself burning up. Kai pushes his chair backward angrily and mumbles something about being a drama queen. He heads out as soon as he can and Sehun drags himself to the nearest chair and sits. He needs rest and sleep again, but his bed is too far and the dizziness won’t allow him up safely. Sehun never had such headaches before, and this is not something he wishes to experience.

Couple hours later, Sehun wakes up feeling a lot better. He still has the chills but the fever has gone down, and now he’s famished, extremely hungry. He needs to eat, and surprisingly, he’s craving cheeseburgers. His mind is against cheeseburgers for lunch (and breakfast that he missed), but he’s salivating at the thought of cheeseburgers. So he calls the nearest burger joint and gets two sets (he’s greedy and hungry) of cheeseburgers with extra cheese and sauce.

After quickly showering, Sehun goes back to the kitchen for another glass of water, and rushes to the door when he hears the bell. He has to get to the gate to get his cheeseburgers, but when he opens the door, Sehun finds Kai receiving the burgers from the delivery man. Sehun makes his way to the gate, both shocked and confused. “What are you doing home at this hour?” Sehun questions the other and grabs the plastic bag from Kai when he swings it over to Sehun. “It's food, you dumbass!” Sehun scolds.

“Having a secret meeting with one of your lovers?” Kai scoffs, glaring at the cheeseburgers. Sehun shivers in anger. First, Kai throws his food, and now he’s accusing Sehun of having an affair. Kai makes his way into the house without waiting for Sehun to answer and when Sehun gets in, Kai is already running down the stairs with a file in his hand. He sends Sehun a glance and shakes his head as if he’s disappointed. “Kai!” Sehun calls before he walks out of the door.

“Guilty that I caught you?” Kai scoffs.

“What? No!!!” Sehun ruffles his hair. “I am not having an affair with anyone. These burgers are for me!”

“Two sets?” Kai questions back. Sehun shrugs, “Why can't I eat two sets? I could have a big appetite if you noticed…” Sehun answers, but he starts laughing, “Of course you wouldn’t. You spend your time hiding, afraid to spend time with me.” Sehun says, surprised by his outburst.

“I don’t know what is wrong with you!” Sehun grits angrily. “You can’t talk shit like that about me if you don’t even spend a little time trying to get to know me!” Sehun doesn’t understand why he’s so upset, but he is getting angry and Kai is staring blankly at him. Sehun is just so angry at the moment and being accused of having an affair isn’t something he can deal with. “I don’t take this marriage lightly, unlike you! I am committed to this marriage, unlike you! And for God’s sake, I don’t ask for anything from you, but this isn’t it!” Sehun screams, “Respect me!”

Sehun huffs, limbs shivering from all the adrenaline, but all of a sudden, he gets nauseous. Kai gets closer, trying to hold Sehun, but he slaps Kai’s hand away, “Leave like you always do. I don’t exist in your life, so ignore me like you always do.” Sehun mumbles before running up the stairs into the bathroom.

\--//--

It’s weird how his sickness doesn’t go away even after the medication. Sehun has a whole stock of tablets in his medicine box and he took them after realizing his condition wasn’t getting better. He took; fever, headache, stomach ache and nausea tablets but nothing worked even after two days of diligently swallowing them. Sehun hates visiting the doctor and he seriously doesn’t want to go to a clinic, but his situation worries him. It’s not his sickness which is making him go to the clinic; it’s him vomiting out all the food he ate; the cheeseburger, salad, tuna and bread, cereal, and porridge. Such a horrible experience never happened to him and Sehun wants to eat without having to rush to the toilet.

Sehun waits for Kai to come down for his breakfast. He’s thinking of swallowing his pride and asking Kai to send him to the clinic. So he waits at the sofa, mentally forming a proper, polite sentence so Kai would be persuaded to send him to the clinic. Just at this moment, Kai runs down the stairs hurriedly, with his phone next to his ears. He’s rushing. “Yes, I am on my way. The files are on my table, Liz. Everything is ready…” he speaks to someone through the phone. Sehun sighs and pushes the idea of going to the clinic together. Maybe it’s a sign from the Gods that he doesn’t need to go to the clinic. Kai doesn’t spare him a look either, and he doesn’t head to the kitchen for his usual bread and jam. He dashed out of the door right away.

Loneliness starts knocking on Sehun’s walls as he curls on the sofa. He stares at the door, hoping that Kai would come back in. His mind replays a whole different situation – _Kai comes in, mumbling about forgetting something important, and he leans down to peck Sehun on the cheek. He apologizes for not eating breakfast together and promises to be back for dinner._

Sehun keeps staring at the door until he has to blink his eyes and realizes he’s crying. He wipes his tears away, thinking about how long more he will have to keep up with this fake marriage. Is he going to sacrifice everything for the man he loves and get nothing back in return? “Am I cursed?” Sehun mumbles, “To not have love and a lover my whole life?” He has years ahead of him, and to live this way for all those years to come scares him.

Sehun moves to grab his phone and books a ride. He should go to the clinic and get done with it and then, weigh all the options in case he’s dying. Sehun doesn’t usually fall sick, so this time with the constant nausea, headaches, and emotional haywire, it makes Sehun believe something is surely wrong with him.

But, it’s weird how this sickness is making him yearn for Kai; for every bit of attention, but at the same time, Sehun regrets lashing out at Kai the other day. He wants to tell Kai that he’s going to the clinic. He wants to hear an assurance from the other. He wants to hear something from Kai before he hears the dreadful news from the doctor. Now, Sehun wants Kai to be next to him badly but;

The emptiness in the house reminds him of the void in his heart.

\--//--

Oh, well.

Sehun regrets coming to the clinic. The white walls, the septic stench, and health-related posters terrify him. The nurse at the reception was friendly, but she doesn’t make him feel welcomed. Who would want to be welcomed to a clinic? She tried to make him feel at ease by asking him what’s wrong with him, but all Sehun could say was, “I don’t feel good,” and she takes the hint that he’s not well. Maybe she saw something in him, perhaps he caught something deadly and, “Oh Sehun, the doctor is ready to see you.” The same nurse calls him with an assuring smile, and Sehun stands up with wobbly legs. He heads towards the room and greets the doctor politely and as soon as he sits, the doctor introduces himself.

“I am Dr. Kim Minseok. You don’t look so good.” He eyes Sehun, dragging his chair closer, and Sehun nods. Talking to the doctor feels more natural and Sehun blabbers all his symptoms to the other.

“How long has it been?” the doctor notes.

“Around a week…” Sehun hesitates. It could be longer, but he isn’t sure. “I took some pills, but it’s still the same,” Sehun tells the doctor who seems to be in deep thoughts.

“Would you lie on the bed for me?” Dr. Kim says, directing Sehun to the bed. He widens his eyes in fear, spluttering the stupidest question that made the doctor laugh, “I’m going to die, isn’t it?” Sehun asks again as he lies on the bed. Dr. Kim shakes his head.

“I see you’re married,” he jerks towards the gold band around Sehun’s ring finger. Sehun nods, “I should tell my husband? I am dying?”

“No, you’re not, but there’s something you will have to tell your husband.”

“Wh-what?”

“Let me see if my hunch is true. We have to be sure before we share such news,” Dr. Kim rolls up Sehun’s shirt and starts applying cold gel all over his stomach. He then starts using a machine, pressing it lightly against Sehun’s stomach. “Look here,” Dr. Kim urges Sehun to look at the monitor’s screen.

“Oh, there’s something here…” Sehun can’t see what the doctor is looking at, but the way he’s smiling scares Sehun. “Congratulations, Sehun,” Dr. Kim smiles, keeping the machine away. He passes Sehun some tissues, and Sehun wipes the gel on his stomach while waiting for the doctor to continue with the news.

“You’re quite clueless,” Dr. Kim laughs, going back to his desk and once again he congratulates Sehun.

“Are you ready for the news?”

Sehun takes a deep breath. If he’s congratulating, the news must be good, so he nods and brings his hands to close.

“You’re at four weeks.”

“Of what?” Sehun pales for a second.

“Pregnancy.” The doctor smiles, and Sehun goes pale for real. His ear buzzes, detaching him from the surroundings as he replays the announcement over again. “I’m pregnant?” Sehun asks the doctor once again and as if that one time wasn’t enough, the doctor tells him again.

“Yes, Sehun. You’re pregnant, and all your symptoms were a common sign of pregnancy.”

“I can’t be pregnant,” Sehun mumbles, goosebumps instantly forming all over his skin, causing him to shiver. Sehun listens to the doctor’s instructions about his symptoms, medicine and condition intently. He nods and remembers all his advice robotically, then walks out to the reception to get his medicine and appointment card.

“Take care, son…” the nurse tells him, and Sehun walks out to catch a cab. He’s emotionless. He can’t think and feel at the moment. The news fell upon him like a boulder, and he doesn’t know how to accept it. He’s pregnant with a child. He’s carrying a child in him. He has a beating heart in him. Sehun doesn’t open the envelope given to him by the nurse. He doesn’t dare to see what’s in it. He knows, but he can’t until he reaches the four walls of his room.

As soon as he reaches home, Sehun hurries up to his room and gets on bed with the envelope right in the middle of the bed. He stares at it and slowly brings his hand to touch his stomach. “You’re in here…” Sehun mumbles, looking down to his stomach. “You’re unexpected…” Sehun tells, relaying his message honestly.

He pulls out the printed copy of his sonogram from the envelope and stares at the picture of his child. It’s as big as his fist now and will grow bigger in days to come. Sehun’s eyes prick once again, tearing up over an emotional thought. He made a baby with Kai. Doctor Kim said the baby is healthy and perfect, and Sehun continues staring at the picture until his sadness turns into happiness. “You made me puke every morning…” he smiles.

“I have to eat, baby. I eat, you grow…” he speaks, still looking at the shadow of his baby in the sonogram.

“But… what do I do now?” Sehun whispers sadly. He has a baby; so, what must he do? The thought of telling Kai flashes in his mind, but that has Sehun shivering in fear. Kai is treating their marriage lightly; he doesn’t bother about their relationship, and neither does he intend to honor the marriage. “How do I drop the bomb to him?” Sehun hiccups, crawling to the edge of the bed, then walking over to the corner of the room to sit and curl his knees up protectively by the wall. He does that when he’s incredibly vulnerable, and sitting at the corner of the room makes him feel better.

Their first night was a mistake for Kai. Their marriage was out of consideration to Kai. Kai doesn’t see Sehun’s face. They don’t talk, they don’t interact, and now they have a baby together. “He’s going to ask me to abort,” Sehun gasps, imagining Kai’s blank, burdened look. “Baby,” Sehun sobs fearfully, bringing his knees up to cry over his fate.

“I’m keeping you, baby,” Sehun whispers, wiping his tears away, confidently. “I’ll protect you with my life…” he promises. Staring at the furry carpet on the floor, Sehun decides not to tell Kai until it’s too late to hide; until Kai can’t tell him to abort. “You’re mine,” Sehun quivers, controlling his emotions. As expected, sitting at the corner during a time of crisis gave him some comfort and Sehun slowly pushes himself to stand and heads back to the bed to look at the picture of his baby. “I’ll make a timeline diary for you.” He smiles, taking the sonogram to his work desk and pulls out his brand new, untouched diary from the drawer. He keeps the picture there and turns around to grab his bag of vitamins. He takes them downstairs to the kitchen.

Sehun reads the prescription accurately and takes the right amount of dosage with a glass of water. He looks around the kitchen and finds a perfect hiding spot for his medicines under the sink and keeps them all in a container. It doesn’t look suspicious at all. Sehun gets back to his room and lies on the bed, feeling too lazy to do anything else. He doesn’t feel like writing, and he doesn’t feel like watching anything. Soon, he falls asleep.

\--//--

Sehun wakes up hungry. He glances at the time and blinks his eyes wide at the numbers. It’s almost midnight. He slept the whole day. Sehun didn’t think he was that exhausted, it’s shocking for him too. In his entire life, he has never taken a nap this long. “Please be open,” Sehun checks the food delivery app, hoping for some restaurants to be open. He gets out of the room and heads downstairs while looking at the phone. He stops by the window and finds Kai’s car parked at the porch. “He’s back,” he whispers.

Sehun slumps down on the chair as he browses through the app. “Please… please… please…” Sehun chants, “I am hungry, we are hungry…”

He wants to eat something desperately, but nothing pleases him on the menu and there aren’t many options left. Sadly, he heads to the kitchen to check for leftovers, but again, nothing interests him. Sehun wants to cry. He wants to cry, and the hunger isn’t helping with his emotions. Helplessly, Sehun goes back to his phone and picks one and sadly waits for his chicken meal.

Twenty minutes later, Sehun is surprised by the sound of the bell, ringing loudly in the house. He panics, worried if Kai will be disturbed, so he rushes, fumbling over with the keys as he unlocks everything and runs (slowly) to the delivery guy. It’s a boy, “Isn’t it too late to be having chicken at this hour?” he asks curiously with a smile, and shamelessly Sehun answers, “I overslept, and I’m hungry now.”

The boy laughs, “Eat well then. Goodnight sir.”

“Good night, be safe.” Sehun bids the other off, and when he turns around, he finds Kai standing by the door. His gaze is questioning, dark and piercing - the bell obviously having disrupted his beauty sleep. Sehun takes a moment to ogle the other; Kai is wearing black sweatpants, which are hanging loosely around his hips and a white top that looks painfully attractive on him. Sehun whines mentally, _“Why must he look so handsome?”_

He turns around without saying anything, and Sehun heads in slowly, creeping in as if he’s a thief. Kai is nowhere downstairs anymore. Sehun secures his meal on the dining table after locking the door. He stares at the greasy meal with disgust. He doesn’t question his sudden disgust for fried chicken but since he’s desperate and hungry, he takes a piece and forces a bite. The taste is terrible. It’s not what he wanted but for the sake of his little one, Sehun keeps swallowing.

As he eats, Sehun starts desiring for dessert; he wants chocolate ice cream. Instantly Sehun leaves the box of chicken to raid the freezer for the tub of ice cream he knew he bought. He listed chocolate ice cream in his grocery once, and when he finds the container untouched, Sehun feels like crying in happiness. “Oh Lord,” he moans hungrily as he quickly grabs a spoon and takes a spoonful of chocolatey goodness into his mouth. He moans once again, grabbing the edge of the sink as he takes another mouthful of ice cream. It’s complete satisfaction.

“Ehem,”

Sehun moans again, taking another spoon, and despite his teeth and mouth going numb with sensations, he continues devouring. “Ehem,” he hears for the second time, and Sehun opens his eyes to Kai’s reflection on the kitchen window in front of him. Sehun swallows the warm ice cream in his mouth and turns to raise his eyebrow questioningly at the other, “What?” he asks.

Kai glances at the box of chicken on the dining table and he shifts to look at the ice cream tub behind Sehun, “I am not giving you any attention if you fall sick.” He says, “I’m telling you in case you’re planning on using the sick excuse to get my attention.”

“I have no idea why you wasted your time telling me that?” Sehun replies rudely, ignoring the crack in his heart. Kai raises his eyebrows, “Why do you even bother?!” Sehun continues with his slightly raised voice, “I am sure you’ll be happy to have me out of your sight permanently!” Sehun says, voice cracking halfway. His eyes are hot, blurry with unshed tears as he walks past Kai, bumping shoulders angrily.

Sehun tries to eat his ice cream in peace; in front of the TV with a documentary playing at a soft volume but Kai’s looming presence makes him so uncomfortable that Sehun ditches the TV, the ice cream, and his chicken. He cleans up and heads back to his room, where he can do whatever he wants without being judged. But Sehun goes back to the kitchen ten minutes later, bringing a spoon, bottle of cold water, the ice cream tub, and his chicken box to the room. Kai was watching something on TV when Sehun took everything upstairs, and once again, Kai was judging him hard.

\--//--

As usual, nothing goes well for Sehun when the clock ticks 7 in the morning. He rushes to the toilet and vomits everything out. He keeps trying to force something out, although there’s nothing left, and as expected, he starts getting dizzy and tired. But when he tries to move from the toilet bowl, the urge knocks once again and Sehun lowers his head to the toilet bowl to vomit nothing but air. Tears start pricking in the corner of his eyes. Sehun takes a deep, lungful breath of air and stands wobbly to lean against the wall.

The urge is still there but better, so he heads over to the sink to wash his face. He is pale. Oddly pale, but Sehun believes that’s how he’s supposed to look after puking for ten minutes straight. “Good morning, baby,” Sehun greets the little one in his stomach tiredly. “Can’t you get up around 10 or 11? It’s too early now,” Sehun whines, brushing his teeth, but the taste of the toothpaste sends Sehun to another round of puking. “Enough baby,” he breathes, “I am tired now,” Sehun whispers.

Sehun groans when he spots a box of half-eaten chicken on the floor and a squeaky-clean ice cream tub by the bed. “Thankfully, I am still normal,” Sehun mumbles, bending down to pick all the mess he made. He stares at the tub and flashes of last night’s verbal fight with Kai comes to mind.

“If he doesn’t care, why is he interfering in what I do, what I eat?” Sehun grumbles while making his bed. Another wave of dizziness attacks him and Sehun decides it’s time for him to take his medicines. He brings along all his trash and laundry, heading downstairs carefully with hopes of not seeing Kai. But of course, the other is an early bird and he’s at the dining table with his usual; bread, butter, and jam. Sehun ignores Kai completely, but he staggers as he passes Kai and blames it on the bag of laundry for blocking his view.

Sehun tries to take his medicine by pretending to check the cabinet under the sink, but he’s afraid to be caught red-handed by the other. So instead of taking medications first, he throws all his laundry into the washing machine. He hears Kai’s phone ring and he hears Kai sigh, “Hi, mom.” Kai answers, and quickly, Sehun snaps his head to look at the other. Kai is looking at him, too, “Yes, he’s here.” Kai says, obviously talking about Sehun.

Sehun starts the machine and rests by the kitchen counter to listen to Kai’s conversation with his mother.

“This weekend?” Kai asks, “Three days, two nights?” Kai scratches his head.

“I don’t know if we can make it,” Kai says, and Sehun slumps sadly. Not knowing what it’s all about, Sehun guesses that it could be a family trip. It could be his chance to get out of the house but sadly, it doesn’t look like it. “Sehun?” Sehun snaps out of his thoughts when he hears his mother in law calling him. Sehun walks over to Kai and sits on the chair next to the other, “Yes, mom.” He answers and greets her, “How are you?” he asks her, smiling, but the smile dies down when he catches Kai’s glare on him.

“We’re planning to have a short family vacation this weekend.” She says and continues talking about the destination and activities. Sehun smiles as he listens to her. He guessed well, “Are you free to join us?” she asks him, and before he could consider anything, Sehun answers her, “I am always at home, mom. There’s no such thing as being busy or free for me.”

She laughs, “I forgot you write books. But isn’t there a deadline or something?” she asks him, and for a brief second, Sehun saddens; Kai never asked about his job. “I am way ahead of my deadline,” Sehun chuckles.

“Are you there, Kai? Sehun is free, and you know dad would want both of you around.” Kai ruffles his hair and taps the table. Sehun watches the other decide anxiously and swallows his grin when Kai agrees. When Kai disconnects the line, Sehun moves to start the washing machine, moving on with their individual lives under one roof. He doesn’t hear from Kai, but when he turns around, he freezes.

They’re too near.

“Wh-what?” Sehun stutters, leaning closely against the washing machine as Kai stands right in front of him. “You could have said no,” Kai grits angrily with anger, annoyance, and disbelief reflecting in his eyes. Sehun swallows nervously, “I didn’t consider you. I said yes for myself,” Sehun answers and moves away.

“They’d expect us to be living happily,” Kai reminds Sehun.

This time, Sehun scoffs, “I am sure you can act well.” Sehun answers sarcastically. He must eat his medicines now, but Kai isn’t going away. Then he remembers, he had not eaten anything yet, “Just behave the way you are, you’ll manage to convince them.” Sehun repeats, and with that being said, Kai leaves him alone. Sehun spends a minute or two to reflect on what he had just said and on what had just happened. If the weekend plan is happening, he’ll be staying over with Kai in the same room for two nights and for acting purposes, they’ll get close. Sehun doesn’t want to imagine to what extent Kai will act. One thing for sure, Sehun doesn’t want to lose his heart for the second time.

It’s Friday night. Sehun has a movie playing on the TV as he prepares dinner while stealing glances at the screen. Today, Sehun decides to make something extremely simple but spicy. He had the urge to eat something spicy and with whatever he has in the kitchen, Sehun makes fried rice with lots of chilies. Fried rice seems like a perfect dinner; he’d be able to finish them in one meal without having to keep leftovers in the fridge. He makes extra for a certain someone who’d eat at odd hours and if Kai doesn’t finish the rice, Sehun will eat it before they leave tomorrow. “But what time is he planning to leave tomorrow?” Sehun mumbles while putting the onions and chilies in the wok.

As the TV plays at a loud volume in the living room, Sehun gives the rice one last stir as Kai gets in without Sehun noticing. Sehun continues focusing on his wok, utterly oblivious about Kai getting into the kitchen. The other leans against the wall waiting for Sehun to notice him and when Sehun does five minutes later, he yelps, almost dropping the bowl of rice. “You scared me!” Sehun scolds, taking a deep breath as he puts his hand over his stomach. “Breathe,” he whispers, telling the little one to calm down. Sehun feels a double rush in his blood, and his heartbeat is pounding double the speed.

“We’ll leave at nine” Kai informs, “and give me your number, I have to send you the itinerary.”

Sehun mumbles his number to the other, unconsciously going red since they’re exchanging numbers. It feels stupid and awkward to blush over it but yes, Sehun is blushing.

Kai leaves without sparing Sehun a second glance and a minute later, Sehun hears his phone chime with notifications. He doesn’t rush to check it but he stays to daydream over texts he wished he could send the other. A smile blooms over his lips and knowing how his mind is doing the lewd, naughty thoughts, Sehun indulges them completely. He eats bit by bit thinking of sending cute selfies, dirty texts, and reminders to his husband. He wonders what kind of texter Kai is; he looks to be the serious type, but he doubts Kai would be serious once he’s all friendly. “Maybe he’s a complete tease,” Sehun giggles, taking a spoonful of spicy fried rice but suddenly, his stomach does the flip over.

“Shit,” Sehun runs up to the bathroom. He gags along the way but manages to hold it in just in time before he pukes all the rice out into the toilet bowl. Sehun gags again, gripping the edge of the ceramic bowl tightly. The urge to vomit is there but nothing comes out of his mouth. Bile reaches his throat soon and this time, Sehun vomits into the toilet bowl again and again until he’s tired and weak. He turns away to breathe, pressing the flush to clear the mess and another rush of sickness forces him to push his head into the bowl once again.

Sehun could be hallucinating but he feels a familiar warm hand over his back; moving in circles. It calms him. It magically does and Sehun turns to look at the source of the hallucination. He finds Kai on his knees, looking worried. His brows are furrowed, forming creases between his eyes and his lips are moving.

“What?” Sehun whispers, blinking stupidly. Thankfully, the rise in his stomach stops in time, or else he’d vomit all over Kai’s top, “Are you really fine?” Kai asks, repeating his question and Sehun nods. He is fine.

“I don’t think you are,” Kai notes, removing his hand from Sehun’s back before he helps Sehun up when he tries to wobbly stand. “I noticed,” Kai says, “I hear you puking every morning and at odd hours during the night.”

“I am okay,” Sehun reassures the other, trying not to drown in sentiments with Kai’s soothing, warm, melodious voice. “I’ll take you to the hospital. Let’s go.” Kai says, following Sehun out.

“No need. I am really fine.” Sehun says but just as he finished, he rushed back to the toilet. It was a false alarm but enough for Kai to be convinced something is indeed wrong with him. “Let’s go.” Kai tries to drag Sehun out of the room but thankfully, Sehun manages to dodge and shakes his head.

“No,” Sehun says. Kai must not know about his condition and going to the hospital would mean the end for the baby. Unconsciously, he curls his arms around his stomach and turns away from Kai. “Are you afraid to meet the doctor? I’ll accompany you in,” Kai says desperately but again Sehun shakes his head, “No. I don’t need the doctor.”

“Who the hell vomits for two weeks straight, Sehun!?” Kai scolds, raising his voice slightly. Sehun knows the other is worried but he’s not supposed to know. “I have medicines. I am taking them.” Sehun reasons.

“Yet you’re not getting better.”

“I should be getting better soon.”

“There’s a time? Like in a day, a week?” Kai asks, surprised with Sehun’s answer. Sehun nods. He’s supposed to get better when he hits his second trimester and it’ll be soon. “Seriously… tell me what’s wrong with you,” Kai asks after taking a deep breath, calming himself from the anger within him. Sehun licks his lips and stares back. He couldn’t bring himself to tell the other.

“Should I be prepared to lose another…” Kai says but chokes before he could finish his sentence and quickly looks away. Sehun panics and pales. He didn’t consider Kai’s fear. He didn’t think of what could be going through Kai’s mind and heart after what happened to Baekhyun. Sehun takes a step closer, swallowing the lump in his throat, “It’s nothing like that…” Sehun assures, “But if I tell you… I might lose you…”

Kai remains mum for a long minute, looking at Sehun from head to toe, “Do you think there’s something to lose?” Kai asks, tilting his head a little and it takes Sehun all his will not to jump into Kai’s arms and hug him tightly. Sehun nods again and whispers, “Yes. This may sound ridiculous but…” Sehun stops to bite his quivering lips, “I don’t want to live without living with you…” Sehun says. “This arrangement gave me a sense of comfort to live with one-sided hope and love but if I tell you about this, I don’t think you’ll accept it.”

“This?” Kai raises his eyebrows, “What exactly are you talking about?” he glances down at Sehun’s stomach when he curls his hands over his stomach. “Tell me,” Kai groans, “Or I’ll drag your ass to the hospital and find it out for myself.”

Sehun shakes his head and takes a step back, “I…” Sehun hesitates, “I’m…” he tries but blinks his senses to life, “Remember the night?” Sehun asks the other.

“Which night?”

“Our first night,” Sehun grits bashfully and Kai nods. Sehun still hesitates on how he should tell Kai that the result of their night together is in his stomach, growing healthily.

“I’m…” he tries again, “I’m pregnant.” He drops the news to the other father.

Everything stops moving as if the earth itself stopped rotating, stopped going around the sun. Kai’s expression is blank; probably surprised. He looks more shocked than Sehun was for the first time and it scares the hell out of him. Sehun doesn’t know what kind of reaction he’s expecting from Kai but whatever it is now, it is making him extremely nervous.

Kai swallows and blinks his eyes, coming out of his bubble of surprise. He sends Sehun a look, “Okay,” he says and that’s all he says before walking out of the room without sparing Sehun any glance. The silence which was piercing is now loud and disturbing. Sehun couldn’t control his heartbeat and sentiments. He can’t decipher what it meant but it was obvious; as he expected – it’s Sehun and baby only.

\--//--

The next morning proves to be torturous for Sehun. He lacks sleep and he has to pack for their trip. He stares at his wardrobe and the clock by his bedside, counting the hours he has before nine. He wants to roll in bed and fall back asleep, maybe cry and wallow in his pain. He has taken his usual rounds of vomiting and Sehun knows there’s more to come. There’s a knock on his door and he gets out of bed to get the door. He finds Kai at the door and for the first time, Sehun sees him in his completely disheveled, out of bed look.

It must be his hormones reacting because no one is supposed to look so good in the morning. Kai’s morning stubble looks sexy too and it’s utterly disgusting for Sehun to drool over the man. He probably hasn’t showered but he doesn’t smell bad either. It’s his hormones. When Kai clears his throat, Sehun does the same, “Yeah?”

“You still want to go on the trip?” Kai asks. Maybe he’s trying to be considerate about Sehun’s condition, “Yeah,” Sehun answers and maybe Kai doesn’t want to go so no one will know about Sehun’s pregnancy. Sehun is not sure but he hopes Kai is being considerate, “I haven’t been out of the house in months,” Sehun snaps and Kai widens his eyes in surprise.

“I’ll wait downstairs and we’ll leave once you’re ready,” Kai says and walks away leaving Sehun with his jaw hanging low. Kai’s behavior baffles Sehun. Kai is one fine man with a lack of expressive charm and it’s proving to be difficult to understand him. Sehun starts packing; taking extra tops and pants, sweaters and sweatpants. He dumps in extra toiletries in a smaller bag and carefully secures his perfume bottle in his to-go bag. Although he doesn’t travel much, Sehun has an extraordinary, foldable carrier bag. He takes a quick shower and gets ready in less than twenty minutes.

He stares at his bag, “I didn’t go overboard with the packing, right?” Sehun questions, as he carries it downstairs and Kai quickly stands up, keeping his phone in the pocket to take the bag from Sehun. Sehun clears his throat and thanks Kai softly, “Let me grab something light to eat.”

“I’ll get the car running…” Kai says, leaving Sehun to fill his stomach alone. As he spreads butter over the bread, Sehun can’t help but think if Kai is opening up to him. No one changes overnight and Kai didn’t look like he’ll compromise with Sehun. Sehun stops spreading the butter and stares at the bread in his hand, “Of course,” he sighs when he realizes, “He’s faking it.” Sehun mumbles sadly.

“So stupid of you to think he is a changed man.” Sehun scoffs, munching on the bread.

The car ride twenty minutes later proves to be extremely awkward. It’s their first time commuting together and the silence is heavy with unknown, unfiltered energy. Sehun glances out of the window to enjoy the scenery. The sunshine is nice and feels better, making Sehun warm unknowingly. As Kai steadily takes the highway, Sehun starts getting sleepy. The lack of sleep and smooth driving is making him drowsy and he starts closing his eyes, “Are you okay?” Kai asks, surprising Sehun and all his sleepiness disappears into the air.

“Huh?” Sehun turns to look at Kai who has his attention shortly on him before he turns back to focus on the road. Sehun stares at the man driving handsomely with one hand on the wheel and the other on the gear shift, “I am sleepy. Couldn’t sleep last night.” Sehun answers and turns to look at the straight, wide road in front of them. A direction board passes them and Sehun manages to see their destination route. It’s going to take them approximately two hours.

“Get some sleep and if you need me to stop, let me know,” Kai says, shifting to sit comfortably as he overtakes a car, moving to the fast lane. Sehun nods and once again tries to sleep and sleep did grace him.

When Kai nudges him softly, Sehun opens his eyes to a beachside view but they have not reached their destination. Sehun wipes the corner of his lips and stretches as he stares at the view. It’s a beautiful location. With such an extraordinary view, Sehun is surprised there isn’t much of a crowd. He expected the place to be full of people but there were only a few. “Is this place private or something?” Sehun asks Kai unconsciously and thanks to his lucky stars, Kai answers.

“This place requires early booking. Only limited rooms and a limited number of people.”

“That’s nice…” Sehun says, pointing at the parking sign as they make way to the parking lot. Sehun spots some familiar cars and starts getting cold sweats. “What do we do?” he asks Kai, hoping the other would understand what he means. Sehun doesn’t know what he should do, how he should act with Kai around the elders and, “What if they know?” Sehun continues, hinting about his pregnancy.

“Do you want them to know?” Kai asks, unbuckling the belt and briefly looks at Sehun.

“Do you want them to know?” Sehun throws the same question back to Kai and the other shrugs. His reaction gives Sehun a hint; none of them are ready to reveal the pregnancy. “What about us?” Sehun continues to ask Kai.

“Don’t expect me to be touchy and sweet. It’ll be awkward.” Kai answers.

“Just don’t ignore me,” Sehun says, agreeing with Kai’s request of no display of affection.

Kai helps Sehun with his luggage while Sehun gets in his full tourist mode by putting on his sunglasses. He walks next to Kai, following the other to the lobby and as soon as they reach, Sehun sees Kai’s parents. “You guys made it!” his mother hollers from across the room and Kai gives her a quick hug, “We did,” Kai chuckles and moves for her to greet Sehun in a tighter hug.

“Look at him, dear!” She calls Kai’s father who’s busy at the counter with their booking to look at Sehun. “He’s glowing!” she says and kisses his cheeks, giving him a thorough look. “How are you, mom?” he asks her, not forgetting his manners.

“I am good. We both are…” she laughs and drags Sehun with her. “Kai’s other relatives will be here too, and don’t worry, you both can be on your own.” She says giving him a suggestive wink, “Just join us for breakfast and dinner.”

“There are plenty of places to look around here…” Kai’s father says, coming to give Sehun a hug and Sehun hugs the man back while sending Kai a look. “How are things between you both?” the older man asks them and both Sehun and Kai seem to be taken aback by the sudden question. However, thankfully Kai was quick to answer, “We are good.” Kai looks at Sehun with a warm smile. Sehun smiles back, “We’re taking things slow.”

“That’s great. That’s good.” Kai’s mother says, looking thankful and hopeful. They’re given their room keys to settle down and Sehun stares at the other keys, “Did we get the seaside view?” Sehun whispers to Kai and surprisingly his question is heard by his father. “You want the sea view?” he asks, giving Kai another set of keys.

“He gets what he wants,” he smiles at Sehun and Kai stares at his father. Sehun giggles happily, bouncing on his toes unaware of fond eyes on him.

Again, they make their way together to their room, and for some reason, Sehun is disappointed. “Only one bed,” he mumbles. He is so used to occupying a huge bed on his own and he doesn’t think he’ll share the bed with Kai decently. He doesn’t sleep like a sane person with his occasional peeing and puking routine.

“I’ll willingly take the couch,” Kai says, answering Sehun.

“ _Oh_ ” Sehun replies.

Although he wasn’t expecting to share the bed with Kai, he was hoping for Kai to insist on sleeping on the bed together and that he was willing to adjust. Mentally, he had already adjusted to sleeping with Kai on the bed.

Sehun settles down in the room; walking around as he checks the bathroom, the veranda and finally, the bed. Kai does his own thing and for the first time, Sehun witnesses how the other is; his tidiness and particularity and maybe Kai has some minor OCD. Sehun didn’t notice at first but when he keeps his watch on the dresser, he goes back to fix it, keeping it properly.

“What?” Kai asks and quickly Sehun shakes his head and looks away.

“Ermm Kai,” Sehun calls, remembering something. “What about lunch?” Sehun asks, scratching his head as his stomach reminds him of hunger. He didn’t have a heavy breakfast and the extra tiny stomach in him is also demanding for food. Kai tilts his head and stills, “Lunch…” he mumbles as if asking the question to himself.

Kai clears his throat, tapping his finger over his hips while he makes a decision. He glances towards Sehun, looking at the other on the bed who’s anticipating an answer. He sighs, “Okay. Let’s go.” He decides although he’s not hungry, he’d love to sightsee. Sehun’s eyes twinkle in happiness as he quickly stands up and grabs his wallet. “Let’s go.”

“Where are we going?” Sehun asks him and honestly, Kai doesn’t know where he’s going. He is walking aimlessly, hoping to spot a stall or café. “There,” Kai points when he spots a stall. Sehun looks skeptical but he follows quietly. Although the stall looks bad from the exterior, the interior is welcoming and there’s a sea view. They could smell the sea with the breeze and of course, Sehun would choose to sit at the corner where the view is the best. “Welcome,” a waiter comes with a menu book and hands them one each. “Call me when you’re ready.”

“Oh my God…” Sehun squeals all of a sudden and Kai believes he’s tapping his foot under the table. Kai can see him shaking like a leaf and honestly, he looks adorable. Damn. He’s not supposed to find Sehun adorable but the other is acting unnecessarily cute. Sehun glances at Kai and points at the menu book despite Kai’s uninterested look. Maybe he’s not interested but when Kai glances at what Sehun is pointing at, Sehun beams happily, “They serve mussels!”

“You want to have that now?” Kai asks, doubting Sehun’s choice. However, when Sehun nods, he ignores the other.

Kai calls the waiter a minute later, “I want mussels,” Sehun tells the waiter, “And coconut float!” he says happily and Kai stares at the other for a few moments. He finds it surprising for someone to look this happy while eating. Maybe Sehun just loves eating and that could also be why the other is always cooking.

“I’ll have a lemonade. That’s all,” Kai smiles and Sehun gasps when the waiter leaves, “You’re not eating.”

“I am not hungry.”

“But you…” Sehun could feel his heart pumping crazily as he gapes at the other, “You should have told me,” Sehun feels guilty.

“I can’t risk anyone seeing you eating alone.” Kai answers and Sehun sags.

“I forgot,” Sehun mumbles, mood slumping down back to zero. He looks away to enjoy the sea view but Kai’s strong presence distracts him. “You don’t have to follow me…” Sehun mumbles.

This time Kai doesn’t answer. He can’t think of an answer and even if he could, he wouldn’t. He knows Sehun is disappointed but Kai doesn’t want Sehun to have high hopes. He’s not ready for another commitment. All of a sudden, Sehun starts to pout and frown, sulking and sighing and he seems to be rubbing his stomach. Kai notices and his heart clenches painfully. He did dream of having a child. He envisioned a little girl running around. He imagined cuddling his baby to sleep but;

He looks away quickly, blinking his tears away before Sehun could see them. Fuck. He misses someone dearly, someone who’s no longer around.

“Why is it taking so long,” Sehun whines, “No one is around…”

“It’ll be here soon I guess…” Kai tries to calm the other down, “I am going crazy. This hunger is unbearable…” Sehun says, telling the little one to hold on.

“How far are you?” Kai asks, gesturing to the baby with his eyes. Sehun’s eyes widened, “Almost three months,” Sehun answers.

Kai looks away. It’s been three months since their marriage.

Their orders arrive and Sehun starts gobbling his food. He’s truly hungry. This is the first time they’re eating together and it surprises Kai how Sehun isn’t trying to act decently with his eating habits. Sehun slurps the flesh from the shell happily, making delighted sounds, appreciating the taste. For some reason, Kai starts to salivate but he couldn’t bring himself to ask for a piece. Watching Sehun eat makes him hungry. “Do you want some?” Sehun asks after eating, finishing almost half the serving. He looks full and Kai gets the hint, the other had enough. “What’s wrong?” Kai asks when Sehun scrunches his nose and starts rubbing his stomach.

“I don’t usually eat this much…” Sehun whispers. Kai knows; Sehun always eats a small portion. Kai hesitates but when Sehun pushes the plate towards him, Kai sighs. He doesn’t notice Sehun blushing and smiling. He doesn’t pay attention to the sound of his mind mocking him. He eats silently.

When he finishes, he looks up at Sehun who’s watching him. He has his chin in his palm, eyes heavy with sleep. Kai hides his smile by biting his lips. Quickly, he calls for the bill and pays. Sehun is fresh by then but he knows the other needs rest. “Where are we going next?” Sehun asks as if they decided to sightsee. “I think you need proper sleep.” He says and walks away.

\--//--

Kai wakes up to light groans and painful cries. He immediately knows who it is and makes his way to the bathroom only to see Sehun hunched by the toilet bowl. “I’ll get you some water,” Kai says, leaving Sehun to empty his stomach in peace. He goes back with a glass of water. Sehun is breathing heavily and he accepts the glass with a weak smile. He gulps down in seconds, “I am sorry I woke you up,” he says weakly.

“Do you need your medicines or anything else?” Kai asks, moving aside when Sehun stands weakly. He gives Sehun some space to walk out of the bathroom and the other takes a deep breath as soon as he sits on the bed. Sehun shakes his head, “I hope this ends quickly. I feel like dying every time I vomit.” Sehun grumbles, “Stop making me puke, will you… You were hungry but why must I vomit?” Sehun speaks to his tummy, oblivious to Kai staring at him.

He doesn’t comment on Sehun speaking to the baby. It was awkward – the fact that he has a child growing in Sehun makes accepting reality difficult. If he accepts the child, he has to move on from his memories, his past, and Baekhyun. However, if he doesn’t accept the child, it will be unfair for the little one. The little one is innocent.

Kai takes his clothes into the bathroom and showers. At least the cold water will clear his head but nothing like that happens. With Sehun so close to him, Kai cannot have his shower in peace. He keeps thinking about the child. He has always been a sucker for kids and his own is growing in Sehun. Kai wants to hold and touch, feel the kick and connect with the little one but if he wants to do it; he’ll have to touch Sehun.

Touching Sehun proves to be a sin. It was a horrifying mistake but also a pleasurable one. Kai could vividly imagine the curves and shape of Sehun’s body, his soft, smooth skin. He can hear Sehun’s moans, begging, and cries. He remembers them all. Kai doesn’t want to relive his moment of weakness.

“Kai!” Sehun knocks on the door, pounding hard, “Kai!!!” Sehun screams, and quickly he ties a towel around his waist and opens the door only to be pushed away. Sehun hurries to the toilet and once again empties his stomach and Kai looks away, hiding his disgust. Sehun pukes again, looking pale and pitiful. “Make it stop,” Sehun cries this time once he's done. Sehun looks so helpless and Kai doesn’t know how he should help.

“There should be a way to stop it,” Kai mumbles, helping Sehun and the other grips his hand with his dear life and wipes his tears. “I am not acting pitiful,” Sehun defends himself before Kai could ever think he’s faking for attention. “It’s painful and tiring… I can’t be doing this every time I eat.”

“Try taking deep breaths when you have the urge to vomit,” Kai suggests and he catches Sehun’s eyes on his naked torso. Sehun’s cheeks turn red and they’re still holding hands. “I’ll ask around for some remedies…” Kai volunteers and Sehun nods thankfully.

“The door is unlocked if you need to barge in again, just do it,” Kai says, politely asking Sehun to step out so he can continue showering.

Later that night, Kai keeps his eyes on Sehun. He cannot justify his actions but he continues looking at Sehun. During dinner with the whole family, they sat next to each other. No one says anything about them being awkward or anything and Kai believes they're doing well with their acting. Somehow, he did not feel the need to act. He was keeping an eye on what Sehun was eating.

“Are you sure you want to eat mussels again?” Kai asks just as Sehun reached out to scoop some onto his plate.

“I shouldn’t?”

“Maybe the mussels caused the vomiting,” Kai whispers and Sehun leans closer to him. “I have been vomiting for weeks now,” Sehun whispers back, reminding Kai.

“I don’t think you ever vomited after lunch.”

Sehun sends Kai a glance. It’s true. He never vomited after he ate lunch but he’d always have the urge to puke early in the morning. The mussels must be the reason. Sehun pouts and reaches for something else instead.

“Kai, are you not letting him eat the mussels?” Kai jerks to look at his mother who’s looking at them and she seems to be upset over Sehun not eating what he wants. “Not really.” Kai answers, “He ate some for lunch and he didn’t feel well.”

She widens her eyes, “What happened to you?” she asks Sehun and everyone turns to look at him. “I’m not sure if it’s the mussels but Kai says it’s better not to take any risk. I had a stomach ache.”

“Take something else then,” Kai’s aunt suggests, passing Sehun butter prawns and he takes them happily. Sehun offers Kai naturally and scoops some into his plate, unknowingly behaving like the perfect couple in front of the elders.

After dinner, everyone decides to go for a walk by the beach. They too joined everyone else but of course, awkwardly. They kept a safe distance between each other although they walked side by side. Sehun looks towards the dark, vast sea to avoid focusing on Kai. He can’t see anything but he can hear the waves, see the stars above and feel the cool breeze. Sehun shudders as the air hits his skin. The rest of the family are way ahead of them. Sehun stuffs his hands inside his pockets and looks at his feet as he walks. The white sand feels sticky under his feet, reminding him how much he dislikes going to beaches. Sehun likes the beach but if he can skip touching the sand, he’ll be grateful.

“Are you cold?” Sehun turns to look at Kai, surprised to see him removing his overcoat, “Here,” he offers.

Sehun shakes his head, “I’m not cold.” Sehun lies. Kai’s warmth will shatter him and Sehun is not ready to accept such help from Kai. This kindness will all be gone once they get home, to the four walls and Sehun will not spend his hours, longing for the presence he’ll never get.

“I can see goosebumps all over your hand,” Kai mumbles as a matter of fact and Sehun glances at his betraying body. He sighs and Kai puts the coat over Sehun’s shoulder. They continue walking silently again and Sehun drowns in the warmth and his thoughts – he’s at the beach and is figuratively drowning. It makes sense now.

When they return to their room after an hour’s walk, Sehun excuses himself to freshen up. The warm water does wonders to his cold body and instantly Sehun gets sleepy. He doesn’t bother looking at Kai when he walks out of the bathroom. He could only see the bed and when he lies down on it, he lets out an unconscious moan, curling under the sheets in a cocoon of warmth.

Kai watches Sehun from the sofa he had made a bed for the time being. He finds the other interesting now that they’re living in a room together. There is no attraction (Kai tells himself) but there’s curiosity about what kind of person Sehun is. Sehun is independent but he needs those little things he couldn’t get himself. He looks after himself but at some point, his eyes yearn for care too. Kai continues watching the lump on the bed. He hears soft snores coming from Sehun, “He’s cute.” Kai whispers, turning on the TV and lowers the volume.

\--//--

As time passes, Kai blinks his eyes open and gets blinded by the light from the TV. He fell asleep in front of the TV. But that’s not what woke him up. He glances at the bed and pushes himself up; Sehun is not on the bed and the voice he hears is coming from Sehun. It’s not the usual vomiting, gagging sound. This time it's sniffles and sobs. He makes his way to the balcony to look for Sehun but the other isn’t there. He turns to the bathroom, slowly peeking in. He sighs and licks his lips.

Sehun is sitting in the bathtub with his chin resting on his knees; sobbing and crying over something. “You okay?” Kai asks, surprising the other. Quickly, Sehun wipes his tears, “I’m okay.” He answers but Kai knows he’s lying. Kai walks into the bathroom and sits on the edge of the bathtub.

“There must be a reason why you’re crying at 2 am.”

Sehun shakes his head, lips quivering into another sniffle. He tries to suppress his tears, hide them but Kai could see his shoulders shaking. Kai taps his finger against the tub and glances at Sehun. The question is at the tip of his tongue but he couldn’t bring himself to ask or comfort Sehun. “Tell me,” he tries gently.

This time, Sehun wipes his nose with the back of his hand. Sehun looks at Kai through his wet lashes and blinks those tears away, “I am hungry,” he tells Kai and as expected, Kai widens his eyes in surprise, tilting his head to judge him. Sehun starts his waterworks again as the hunger attacks at full-wave. “I would call for delivery back at home but now, I don’t know any numbers here and I am so hungry.” He sobs pathetically.

Kai stares at the other helplessly. For a brief second, Kai doesn’t understand the logic behind having to cry just because he can’t eat. “So, you got to cry?” Kai asks, dumbfounded by the whole scene. He thought it was something serious, yet, it’s all about food and hunger. Sehun widens his eyes at him in utter shock and out of anger, he pushes Kai off the bathtub. “If you’re not going to help me, get out of here!” Sehun sobs, hiding his face in his legs, “The baby wants to eat! Baby is hungry!”

Kai leans against the wall and watches Sehun’s outburst, “You mean…” he wants to ask if Sehun is referring to himself as a baby or is the baby he's carrying hungry. However, Kai swallows his question when Sehun aggressively wipes his face and glares at him. Kai has never seen Sehun so angry; with so much hatred in his eyes. “I don’t need your fake sympathy. You don’t have to care for the baby or me!” he says standing up in the tub and Kai rushes forward to hold Sehun.

Sehun slaps Kai’s hand away, “You never accepted me, treated me like nothing so please… just leave us alone.” Sehun spits, getting out of the tub to stomp out of the bathroom. Kai stays in the bathroom; comprehending what just happened. “What did I do?” Kai whispers to himself and goes after Sehun only to find the other sitting on his ‘bed’. The TV is playing a sitcom and Sehun is curled up on the sofa.

The silence is awkward. The air is tense. But, Kai tries to speak to Sehun, “Shall I get you something?” he breaks the silence, receiving another glare from Sehun. “Why do you care?” Sehun grits.

“I spent 24 hours with you and realize you’re an absolute baby.”

“Am I?” Sehun grabs the small pillow next to him and throws it at Kai. Kai is seriously making him upset on purpose and the more he cries and gets angry, the hungrier he gets. He can’t even get back to sleep with his stomach constantly reminding his mind about food. “Listen,” Kai growls, coming closer to kneel in front of him and all his anger turns into fear.

“I have noticed there are some things you can do on your own and some things you can’t,” Kai says sternly, stopping the urge to punch Sehun in the face when the other rolls his eyes at him. “So, I am telling you… tell me if you need something when you can’t do things on your own.”

Sehun’s eyes get glassy once again, “Do you understand?” Kai asks the other as if he’s talking to a child. Sehun nods, jutting his lips out cutely and Kai does, honestly finds Sehun cute. “Tell me, what can I get you? At this hour…”

\--//--

Surprisingly, Kai wakes up earlier than Sehun. He thought he was early but they’re both late. Sehun is still sleeping soundly even after Kai showered and got ready. He checks his phone and replies to texts from his family asking if they’re joining for breakfast and he replies, “No, we’re having breakfast somewhere else.” He lies and continues staring at Sehun, wondering when will the other be awake.

Sehun slept late. Last night, Kai had called the room service for a favor. He requested for two sets of burgers which were unfortunately unavailable in the hotel but they got him those burgers from a nearby, midnight stall. A half-hour later and, lots of whining from Sehun, there was a knock on their door and Kai took the warm burgers. Sehun enjoyed the burgers on his own without offering Kai any (not that he wanted), not even bothering to ask if he wanted a bite. The satisfaction was evident on Sehun’s face and he went to bed immediately after eating. Kai heard Sehun whisper sweet, kind words to the baby and soon, Kai heard soft snores.

Kai stares at the lump on the bed, contemplating if he should wake Sehun up. He stands next to the bed with hands on his hips. The sheets are tangled around his legs and his sweater is pushed up slightly, revealing the silver lining around his waistband. Kai swallows, vividly remembering Sehun’s pale, smooth waist, and slyly, he leans forward to peek at Sehun’s tummy. Kai remembers how slim Sehun’s waist was. His tummy was flat and now there’s a rise. _Baby_. Sehun is carrying a child in him – his child, their child.

“Sehun,” Kai taps Sehun’s shoulder, whispering his name softly. Sehun doesn’t budge an inch and Kai tries again. This time he gets closer, “Sehun,” Kai whispers, tapping Sehun’s shoulder. “Hnggg,” Sehun moans, shifting to face Kai and his sweater rolls up higher, revealing a big expanse of his stomach. Kai turns to look at Sehun’s bulging tummy and an ache rises in his chest. He wants to touch and feel the baby; his baby. “Sehun,” Kai calls again, looking away, and slowly, Sehun flutters his eyes open. “I’m sleepy…” he moans, pushing the sheets up with his legs and covers himself up to his chin.

Kai watches; dumbfounded. “Is this because you ate at 2 in the morning last night?” Kai questions, now squatting next to the bed to be eye to eye with Sehun. Sehun releases a deep breath and nods. His hair is a mess, covering his eyes and unconsciously, Kai reaches out to move the strands out of his face. “Aren’t you hungry now?” Kai asks, surprised by his own sweet, playful tone.

In his dazed state, Kai notices how innocent and pure Sehun looks. Despite everything, Sehun has been nothing but kind and sweet. Sehun shakes his head, mumbling a soft no. Kai smiles in return, which goes unnoticed by Sehun. “No puking session today?” Kai teases, having fun and once again Sehun shakes his head.

Kai realizes something; he catches the feeling of his past leaving his heart. He hears the barrier-breaking, walls shattering and he sees the dark clouds moving away. All those memories he had gathered are now leaving him and Kai is pulled towards the rainbow before him.

“Are you hungry?” Sehun asks Kai, opening his eyes to see his husband looking at him. Somehow Kai is in a daze. His eyes are on Sehun but they’re distant; as if they traveled far beyond into another realm. Kai blinks his eyes and taps the bed, “I am,” he answers, “But I can get breakfast myself.” Kai says, smiling, indirectly telling Sehun to go back to bed. However, Sehun groans and covers his eyes.

“What time is it?” he asks Kai.

“Almost 11,”

“What!!!?” Sehun rises from the bed instantly and groans, holding the sides of his head.

“You shouldn’t have gotten up so quickly,” Kai scolds, holding Sehun.

“Urghhh,” Sehun groans, gazing out of the sliding glass door, “We’re going to the beach later right?” Sehun asks, remembering that the whole family planned to spend their evening by the beach. The children were ecstatic about the plan. “I’ll get ready,” he answers before Kai could answer him and Kai moves aside to let Sehun pass him.

While Sehun is in the bathroom, Kai makes sure to be alert to any sound that could come from Sehun and as soon as he hears the first gag, Kai rushes to the door and knocks softly.

“Sehun?” he asks nervously, listening to another gag once again and he hears Sehun vomiting. Kai panics. Sehun said he didn’t feel like vomiting, then why is he emptying his insides like that. “Sehun,” Kai pounds the door once again and realizes it’s open and walks in to find Sehun hunched down at the sink, breathing heavily. Kai also noticed Sehun wasn’t wearing anything over his body. Thankfully, he still has his pants on. Kai gets behind Sehun to try and help but;

For a moment, Kai hesitates. The last they were in this position was when Kai had Sehun on all fours and the result of that moment is what is causing Sehun’s discomfort. “Do you regret it?” Kai asks out of nowhere as Sehun washes his mouth. He takes the toothbrush and glances at Kai from the mirror.

“Regret what?” Sehun asks, “Having a baby?”

Kai doesn’t answer, expecting Sehun to understand his question on his own. “I don’t regret anything, Kai,” Sehun says tiredly. He had just woken up but the vomiting drained all his energy. “I told you once, I am telling you again… I am thankful for the baby.”

“Thankful?”

Sehun nods, “You’ll probably never see me more than another person living in your home but the baby will be a reminder to our moments, which I hold dear to my heart.”

Kai stares at Sehun’s saddened face. He’s sad but there’s a smile on his lips. There’s nothing for Kai to admit or say although he caught his feelings escaping its cage. But, there’s one thing, “I am sorry for what I did to you…” Kai says, throwing and flushing the lump of guilt out of his system. He watches Sehun's expression change from shock to confused by his sudden apology. It is a bit too much to digest early in the morning but what is to be said, should be said without any delays. “If I wasn’t out of my senses that night, I wouldn’t force myself on you and this wouldn’t happen….”

Sehun continues staring at Kai, listening to his words with heavy emotions. Bile rises from his stomach, churning his insides and unknowingly, Sehun feels his emotions getting attached to the man. The ‘ _love’_ that Sehun had buried for Kai rises from the dead, pushing Sehun to once again be head over heels.

With cheeks tainting pink, Sehun shakes his head and stares at the toothbrush he has been holding. “I was selfish that night,” Sehun admits, turning around to face Kai. He knows he’s exposed and Kai’s having a hard time keeping his eyes on his face but Sehun has to admit something too.

“I’m not saying you shouldn’t feel guilty. You’re a good man if you’re feeling that way,” Sehun starts hoping to hold Kai’s hand and assure him, “But, I knew and I didn’t stop you.”

“Why?” Kai asks. His eyes are serious and dark but his voice projects the opposite - it’s soft and polite. Sehun chuckles, laughs at himself, _‘I love you’,_ Sehun wants to say but he keeps that confession in his mouth and looks up at Kai, “Because I liked you and I wanted that one chance, knowing I will never have it again…”

Kai is expressionless.

“And it’s not about physical contact or sex… that closeness, the warmth, the thought of having someone and that emotional assurance… I wanted that from you and I took the chance.”

Sehun takes a deep breath, feeling chills all over his body. He confessed, he should feel more at ease but there’s still a boulder somewhere inside him; a rocking which is keeping him away, guarding and holding him from falling hard. Kai lowers his gaze, possibly staring at Sehun’s lips and chest but at this point of awkwardness, Sehun can’t be deluded.

“I’m sorry you have to feel this way,” Kai says, taking a step back.

“You made it clear for the first time… I don’t hold any grudge.”

Kai sends Sehun a look, “Get showered… We’ll have lunch then.” Kai says and walks out of the bathroom. Sehun might not hold a grudge but he’s feeling it. The guilt is starting to eat him. Kai stands at the balcony, hoping that by watching the sea, his nerves will be calm. He sighs, “What do I do?” he whispers, wiping the corner of his eyes. He has a tight grip on the steel bar and his knuckles are turning white.

This was the dream he had with Baekhyun; they dreamt of starting a family. He’s living the dream with someone else but is it worth it to let the reality slip by his fingers. “Tell me, love,” Kai shuts his eyes. He believes Baekhyun is around; watching him and at this point, he could feel the chills, “What do I do?” he asks, hoping for an answer. He stares ahead, watching families enjoy the beach. The answer doesn’t reach him but Kai turns to look when Sehun calls him, “I’m ready.”

\--//--

The afternoon was well spent. Despite their confessions, they still managed to be civil despite a slight tension between them. They had lunch together and for the first time, Kai learns about Sehun’s taste and Sehun learns about Kai’s. They both enjoy the same type of food; spice and chilies. Sehun asked if Kai tasted his Chili Fried Rice and Kai nods, “I enjoyed it.”

“I thought you wouldn’t want to eat if I cooked.”

“I didn’t want to at first but why waste a home-cooked meal?” Kai said and the smug smile on Sehun’s face was worth being photographed. He knew Kai ate whatever he made but the confirmation made him happy.

Kai suggested walking around after lunch to sightsee and Sehun agreed without a second thought. They walked side by side, sometimes banging into each other accidentally and Kai would instantly put his hand on Sehun’s lower back to hold, protect Sehun. They stopped at a stall and bought souvenirs, choosing a fridge magnet of their choices. Sehun then suggested taking a break and Kai catches the pain Sehun was trying to hide. The nearest café became their first choice and Sehun sat quickly, moaning in delight when he straightened his legs. “Will you be okay if we joined everyone at the beach after this?” Kai asked Sehun after ordering one whole coconut for each.

Sehun hesitated at first. He feels tired but they only have one whole day left with the family and Sehun doesn’t want to lay in bed nursing his aching body. “Yeah… maybe I will call it a day earlier later…” Sehun hinted about getting to bed early. “Sure,” Kai replied with a smile.

Slowly, they made their way to the beach after enjoying a fresh coconut drink. Sehun feels more bloated than he already is and his whines entertain Kai. They walk along the beach silently at first but Sehun breaks the silence, “Thank God I bought this hat,” he says, pointing at the hat over his head. “Such a princess,” Kai teases, smirking as he walks confidently under the bright, blinding sun without any hat or sunscreen.

“I didn’t even apply any sunscreen!” Sehun cries, looking at his reddening skin and again, Kai laughs. “Some color will look good on you.” He says and the sudden silence surprises them both. Kai looks away instantly. He wasn’t thinking when he complimented Sehun. It came naturally and that caught Sehun off guard too.

Sehun blushes terribly; redder than he already is and his hot cheeks are noticed by Kai’s family members who are lounging by the beach chair. They have a mat on the sand and the little ones; Kai’s nephew and niece are huddled together trying to make sandcastles with dry sand. Sehun keeps his face straight and avoids looking at them. “Sehun sweetheart!” Kai’s mom hollers, calling Sehun over. She starts laughing when she notices his state and pulls him down to sit next to her on the chair.

“Did both of you have fun last night that you skipped breakfast this morning?” she teases him and Sehun burns in embarrassment. His cheeks, ears, and neck heats up like a furnace. He shakes his head and turns to look at Kai, hoping the other would help him but Kai is standing away from the ladies, talking to his father.

“It’s so nice to see him opening up to you, Sehun,” she says, now tone serious and Sehun turns to look at her. She has her eyes cast down and sighs. “I know things weren’t okay at first. Kai used to come home for dinner and we’d have to chase him out…” she reveals, surprising Sehun to the core but her assuring hand on his thigh calms him before he could overreact. “But days later, he went home straight.”

Sehun nods, remembering how Kai started coming home early. “It takes time, Sehun. I am happy seeing you both tending each other like partners.”

“I….” Sehun tries to say something, he tries to give a reason but there’s nothing for him to say, “He’s not faking it.” The woman says, “I know when my son is faking it but with you… he has this genuine interest, curious and smitten eyes.”

Sehun widens his eyes. Kai can’t be smitten with him. It’s impossible. “Love will take time but it’s getting there…” she smiles tenderly, “I can see how much you love my son, Sehun, but it will take some time for love to rebuild in him.”

“I hope he doesn’t think I am forcing him. If this relationship becomes a chore to him, it’s better to end it.”

“Sehun…” she gasps.

“I don’t want to burden him, mom. I like him, I do but I am not selfish.” Sehun says. He swallows nervously knowing that he had once been selfish but forcing Kai to stay with him was not his intention since day one.

She sighs, “I hope you both find happiness within each other. My blessing is with you and I will genuinely pray for you both.”

Sehun gets teary and smiles, looking at Kai who now has his eyes on Sehun. “Come, let’s enjoy the beach.” She invites and Sehun follows her to where the children are now gathered. They’re finally making a proper sandcastle and Sehun helps a little by telling them to widen their space to make a bigger castle.

Ten minutes later, Sehun feels a strain on his lower back and excuses himself to sit. He makes himself comfortable on the sand and continues watching the children. Kai’s cousin's sister passes him an umbrella and Sehun accepts it with honor. “You’re a lifesaver,” Sehun tells her and she shakes his head.

“Don’t thank me, thank Kai.”

“What?”

“He bought the umbrella for you earlier but left it on the chair when the kids dragged him to make sandcastle together.”

“ _Oh_ ,”

Sehun turns to look at Kai who’s squatting, making sandcastle with the children. He has his pants rolled up to his knee and the little ones are all over him, basking in his attention. Sehun watches the man with a smile; Kai is extremely good with kids. He tends to his nephew and niece, answering all their questions and curiosity with so much interest and love. Sehun pulls his knees up and rests his head on them as he continues staring at Kai. He can’t help but think if Kai will be this sweet with his own child. Sehun gets sentimental all of a sudden. Kai is making Sehun yearn for a sweet, happy family. He wants them to engulf their little one with attention and love. Sehun wants to see Kai treat their child the same way and he gets overwhelmed with emotions.

They’re now in the water and Kai has his niece over his shoulders. The clear blue water looks good around Kai and the way his wet shirt is sticking to his body makes Sehun’s stomach churn. His senses are awakened too and realizing that he has been ogling his husband with desperate thirst, Sehun looks away. At first, he was emotional, now he’s horny, “Baby, stop making me confused…” he scolds, blaming the little one.

Kai watches Sehun as he plays with his niece. Although he may seem to be focusing on looking after his sister’s children, he has his eyes on Sehun too. Sehun looked sad a while ago. His eyes were distant as if he was thinking about something and Kai guesses it could be about him playing with the kids. The next Kai looks at Sehun, the other is looking away with a blush on his face. Why would Sehun blush on his own? It could not be the sun since Sehun is using the umbrella he bought earlier.

“Stop sending each other those desperate eyes. Call him in,” Kai’s brother in law speaks, breaking Kai out of his thoughts and as if being whipped, Kai walks out of the water towards Sehun. The other looks surprised and caught off guard but that makes Kai feel good. He makes Sehun nervous in a good way; his eyes say it all. And when Kai stands in front of Sehun, pushing his hand out, Sehun licks his lips, pretending not to see Kai, avoiding meeting gazes. “You want to swim?” Kai asks hopefully and surprisingly Sehun nods. He looks like he was waiting to be invited. “Can I not remove my shirt?” Sehun asks quietly when Kai pulls off his wet shirt. Kai keeps his shirt on the mat Sehun was sitting on and turns to look at Sehun who’s holding the hem of his shirt.

“Leave it,” Kai says and calls Sehun into the water. Sehun joins him timidly, hissing when the cold water touches his skin. Kai laughs and moves further into the deeper part and Sehun follows, splashing water at his nephew and niece along the way. Kai stops and turns towards Sehun, waiting for Sehun to reach him and when Sehun finally notices Kai in a spot, he smiles and closes their distance. “Okay?” Kai asks, taking Sehun’s hand in his and holds Sehun close, “You can swim right?”

“I know the basics,” Sehun replies and timidly looks into Kai’s eyes. So close to each other, Sehun relies on Kai’s body to keep himself secured. He holds him tight and continues staring until he gets red in the face at the intensity Kai is sending through his eyes. “Are you not ready to tell anyone about the baby?” Kai asks, speaking softly so that the wind could not carry their secret away. Sehun curls his hand over his stomach and glances down to the water, he shrugs. “I don’t know… are you?” he asks Kai instead of answering.

Kai continues looking at Sehun, staring at his wet strands and how his light blue ‘Monday Blues’ shirt is sticking to his skin. “May I?” Kai hints at touching Sehun’s belly and with a subtle nod of approval from Sehun, Kai slowly places his hand over Sehun's belly. Sehun gasps, quickly supporting his weight by holding onto Kai. Kai glances towards Sehun before lowering his eyes into the clear waters to see his hand touching, caressing Sehun’s belly.

Sehun tries to hold his tears, control his emotions but he couldn’t stop himself from choking a sob. He holds on to Kai’s shoulder tightly, pushing his fingernails deep into Kai’s bare skin as Kai circles his hand on his belly. “I don’t feel him…” Kai says, tilting his head in slight confusion. He heard people say babies would kick. His sister shared the same experience so why isn’t his baby doing the same. The color on his face drains at a thought; what if his baby hates him for being mean to Sehun?

Sehun laughs, voice heavy with his unshed tears and emotions. “I am yet to reach my second semester. It’ll take time for that.” Sehun says and wipes the corner of his eyes. If Kai asks about his tears, Sehun will blame the sun for it but now, only he knows the reason for his tears – his baby will know his father. “Are you expecting a girl or a boy?” Kai continues to ask and this time he chuckles over his question.

Sehun smiles too, “It doesn’t matter to me, as long as he’s cherished.”

“He is… you love him a lot.” Kai answers.

“Do you?... Do you love him?”

Kai shifts his eyes from his nephew to look at Sehun who’s looking at him with hope. He looks pretty all of a sudden; with the background matching him. Kai could hear his heartbeat quickening as the sound of the waves transformed into the music he loves. Sehun’s eyes resemble the depth of the ocean; sometimes stormy, rolling and sometimes calm. Right now, Kai wants to take a dive in the pool of those brown eyes, learn, feel and touch, hold, caress, and never let go. “He’s mine. How will I not love him?”

Kai whispers, giving Sehun a hope-filled answer. Of course, Kai would love his own child. He loves children, babies, and kids. Although initially, he dreamed of having a child with someone who’s no longer around, he must appreciate what’s with him. Sehun lowers his head and starts sobbing lightly, turning away so none of the family members could catch him sniffling. Kai moves closer and puts an around Sehun, pulling the other into an embrace, “Hey, look at me…”

Sehun allows Kai to turn him around and slowly Sehun lifts his eyes to look at Kai through his wet lashes. His vision is blurry; with tears and sunlight and he wipes his eyes clear to properly look at Kai. He could feel his fingers getting wrinkled but it’s aching to be held. Something is growing between them with Kai looking at him – looking at his lips. Sehun licks his lips nervously and follows Kai’s vision.

A shiver travels down Sehun’s spine. He feels chills and he feels the desire and the fire. Kai glances at him and lowers his eyes once again as if he is checking to see if they’re on the same page. Maybe Sehun is reading the signal wrongly but he can’t be that wrong to feel Kai so close to him, sharing his body heat. It feels good to have Kai’s hands around him; on his lower back and his hips. Kai lowers his head slightly, tilting lightly with his eyes fixed on Sehun. It’s a silent question, waiting for that unspoken approval. He leans closer, hands pulling Sehun close.

It must be a dream. Sehun doesn't think they’ll kiss but he’s not mistaken. He is about to be kissed. Unconsciously as if he’s controlled by desire and the nature of sexual attraction, Sehun shuts his eyes slowly and waits for the moment where he’d feel the air and time stop so he could savor the moment only for him to eternity. He wants to open his eyes, see if he was imagining it. And maybe he was but he can still sense Kai around him and the breaths that are touching his cold but burning skin.

Just as he’s about to open his eyes, Sehun moans in surprise when a soft pair of warm lips touches his frozen lips. The heat from Kai’s lips, his warmth melts Sehun’s frozen ones, coaxing him to move along with unheard music. It’s magical, it’s a dream. It’s a pool of sweetness, it’s a mansion of candies. It’s the sky, it’s the universe also, it’s pleasurable yet painful. Sehun moans from the back of his throat and pushes his hands into Kai’s wet strands, molding their lips into a dance.

He never kissed before. Kai knows too, for Sehun’s kisses are sloppy and desperate and so Kai guides the other into a slow, pleasure-filled kiss where they can savor every part of their lips, mouth, and honest emotions. Sehun continues to gasp and moan, grabbing a handful of his hair from behind his head and when they’re both out of air, Kai pulls back slowly, leaving a thread of saliva between them. Kai opens his eyes and blinks to brightness. It’s real; he kissed Sehun and in front of him, Sehun has his head lowered with his eyes still shut tightly.

“You okay?” Kai asks as he turns to the side when he realizes it is awkwardly too quiet. His family are all now on the beach. They seem to be cleaning up. Kai turns to look at Sehun when the other doesn’t reply, “Hmm?”

Sehun nods, “You kissed me,” Sehun says, stating the obvious. He sounds guarded, reminding Kai that it was him who kissed first. “I did,” Kai says.

Sehun nods, “We should head back,” Sehun suggests and starts walking out of the water, leaving Kai to dwell about the kiss on his own.

\--//--

The weekend felt like a dream except, it wasn’t one. Life resumes as normal for Sehun. He goes back to writing his forgotten work and Kai goes back to work. Somehow, things changed slightly. In the morning, Kai would knock on Sehun’s door and ask if Sehun wants to join him for breakfast. If Sehun decides to sleep on, Kai would knock again and inform him before he leaves for work. For Sehun, he’d keep himself busy in the morning, and in the evening, he’d devote himself to cooking, trying new recipes so they could have dinner together.

Dinner usually brings them an awkward silence. Sehun doesn’t know how to move on and change his mindset into speaking casually with Kai. The getaway to the beach was an act; for Kai’s family to see that they’re happily married but are they really? Sehun tries to lighten the air between them. Kai too talks to him – asking about his day and the baby. Yet, they both know – there’s a boundary.

Sehun stares at the calendar, looking at the date marked as ‘ _appointment’_. He has an appointment at the clinic at 3 pm and he isn’t ready. He believes it’s unnecessary but he needs to meet the doctor; check his blood-sugar level and his weight. He sulks more knowing that he’s not gaining weight. There’s nothing he could do about it. He eats – he indulges on his cravings but he’s just not gaining the suggested weight.

Sehun gets ready by two and calls his loyal taxi ride. The drive to the clinic brings unknown chills and Sehun tries to ignore them by talking to the driver. “You look healthy.” The man comments, praising Sehun out of nowhere when they have nothing to talk about. Sehun glances at the man, giving a curious tilt, “You’re carrying, aren’t you?” he asks, and inevitably Sehun nods. “How did you know?” Sehun asks in complete surprise. His in-laws didn’t notice but this stranger did. The man laughs as he focuses on the road, driving extra carefully. “Your baby bump is obvious, young man.” The man jerks to Sehun’s stomach, “And you’re heading to the clinic.”

Sehun laughs, touching his belly. So, it’s getting obvious now. He wonders if he’ll be able to hide from his family, in-laws, and friends now. “How long are you?” he asks again.

“Hitting my fifth in two weeks…”

“Wonderful… I have kids of my own and watching my partner carry our child brings me a lot of joy…”

“How many children do you have?” Sehun asks, smiling at the driver as he shares his experience.

“Two. A boy and a girl.”

“Was it easy?” Sehun asks.

“Well… raising kids isn't easy. It’s a duty we should carry as parents and their upbringing is the most important.”

Sehun nods, “True.”

“And we made a living thing, we are responsible for it.” The man says, giving Sehun the ultimate sense of raising a child. “I am sure you’re raising wonderful kids sir,” Sehun says and just in time, the car stops in front of the clinic. “It’s nice talking to you, son.” He says, watching Sehun grab his appointment book before making payment for his ride.

“It’s nice talking to you too sir,” Sehun says and the man bids Sehun goodbye with a long wish for Sehun to have a healthy, beautiful, and kind baby.

Sehun waits for his turn patiently although he’s dying in anxiousness. He tries to distract himself by playing games on his phone but still he gets restless. Next to him, a couple smiles at him and for a moment Sehun envies them. The wife has her husband next to her, holding her hands and soothing her. He even massages her back lightly, asking if she’s okay. Her belly is bigger than his so he assumes she’s months ahead of him. She smiles at him and Sehun smiles back at her. He wanted to talk to her but she gets called in and Sehun slumps on the chair, looking at his phone when it vibrates.

He's getting a call – from Kai.

“Hello…” Sehun answers hesitantly, thinking the other could have dialed him wrongly.

“Where are you?!” Kai asks. He sounds worried, breathing heavily through the phone but instead of answering Kai, “Hey, are you okay? Why do you sound like you’re out of breath?” he asks.

“Sehun, where are you?” Kai asks him again after taking a deep breath.

“I’m at the clinic. I have an appointment.”

“Which clinic?”

Sehun tells Kai the name of the clinic and he hears Kai telling him in a rushed tone to wait for him there. Sehun disconnects the line and lowers the phone to his lap, staring at the white wall in front of him. His heart is beating weirdly now. It doesn’t feel right and unknowingly, Sehun starts overthinking. He wants to call Kai again and ask if everything is alright but thinking of his husband’s safety in case he was driving, Sehun stares at the phone and decides on calling someone else. He hates this feeling. He had felt this way during Baekhyun’s accident and quickly, with shaky hands, Sehun dials his mother.

“Mom,” Sehun gasps when she picks up on the third ring, “Is everything alright?” he asks her immediately before she could say anything.

“Yes, Sehun. Everything is good.” She says, giggling through the line. “How have you been?” She asks him and, pushing his numbness aside, Sehun answers her question, adding on about Kai as well. He feels bad about hiding his pregnancy but it’s not the time yet, “We’re okay, mom.” He says when she asks him about their relationship.

“I heard about you both from Kai’s mother.”

“What did she say?”

“She’s happy for Kai. He looks better now, happy and smiley.”

Sehun licks his lips. Of course, that’s what it will be about – Kai moving on from his dead lover. A sudden bitter taste spreads in his mouth forcing Sehun to frown unnecessarily. He’s jealous and unhappy. “She also said he’s nice to you, very attentive.”

This time the jealousy turns into embarrassment and Sehun turns red like a ripe tomato. “He was just being nice,” Sehun tries to push it away, not wanting to let her words get into his head and make him feel special.

“Maybe. But he’s nice, attentive, and sweet to you. That’s what matters.”

Sehun hums, staring at his lap. He then glances at the door when it opens but unfortunately, someone else walks in. “I do what I can on my part.” Sehun mumbles, “The rest is up to him.” Sehun hints on their relationship.

“I’ll have to hang up now, I have things to do…” Sehun tells her when she starts giving relationship advice. He believes this advice differs for every other couple. What works for one, might not work for the other. And, Sehun is the type to trust in trying instead of giving up to fate.

Sehun continues waiting, glancing at his watch. It has passed his appointment time and he hasn’t met Dr. Kim yet. The couple who went in is taking quite a long time. Again, he hears the glass door being pushed open and seconds later he hears, “Sehun?” Kai calls, voice raised slightly. Sehun turns to look at the other and stands.

“Kai!” The same nervousness and weird sensations came flooding back and Sehun took a good look at his husband. “Are you okay? What happened?”

Kai gets closer and blinks, holding Sehun by his arms. “Nothing happened to me. Why do you think something happened?”

“You don’t usually call and you sounded so worried. I started worrying, overthinking. I called mom asking if everything was alright….” Sehun starts babbling and slowly, Kai pulls Sehun down to sit.

“I called because I went home and you weren’t there. I got scared.”

“What?”

“What _what_? You didn’t tell me you had an appointment. I would have taken leave and accompanied you here.”

Sehun widens his eyes and stares at Kai. “You were worried about me?” Sehun whispers as he plays with his fingers in complete surprise. “I didn’t think you’d want to follow me,” Sehun tells Kai honestly and he regrets looking at Kai. The man looks hurt; very hurt.

“Why wouldn’t I?” Kai sits next to Sehun, pushing his long legs out. Sehun stares at Kai’s shoes when he couldn’t look anywhere else. The question plays on a loop in his head as he continues staring at the shiny, leather shoes. “I thought we were fine,” Kai says.

“I don’t know what to expect from that weekend trip and you clearly said it’s an act. I took that all as an act…” Sehun finally turns to look at Kai and he wishes he hadn’t let his thoughts out. But it’s for the good. If he bottles everything up, they’d never reach a mutual understanding. They’d both be assuming.

“The kiss wasn’t an act.”

Sehun reddens when Kai brings up the kiss they shared – Sehun’s first kiss. “I’m not sure if expressing through a kiss is true but I think the kiss expressed a lot about me, us.”

Sehun tilts his head, “I’m not sure if we felt the same thing.” Sehun felt feelings, emotions, senses that deciphers only as love and love only. Kai could not have felt the same thing. He can’t be in love with Sehun in such a short time.

“What did you feel?” Kai asks him and instantly, Sehun scoffs. He’s not telling Kai. He’s not making a fool of himself and thankfully, Dr. Kim is ready to see them. Kai follows Sehun in and the doctor is surprised to see Kai, greeting the other professionally. “You brought your husband this time.” Dr. Kim says and opens up Sehun’s file and asks the nurse to check his blood-sugar level. The prick on his finger surprised him and he caught Kai frowning at the nurse.

“Your blood sugar is good.” Dr. Kim says when the nurse shows him the reading and he’s ushered to the weighing machine as Kai keeps a watchful eye. “You should have been here the first time Sehun came,” Dr. Kim says to Kai and Sehun keeps his focus on the conversation instead of the scale.

“He looks a lot calmer today and I think it’s all because of you.”

Sehun frowns at the doctor and the man laughs at him and jots down Sehun’s weight. “You gained only two kilos,” He says, a little unhappy, “But nothing to worry. He should not be gaining drastically too.” The man explains but he seems to be explaining to Kai more.

“Shouldn’t he be taking some vitamins?” Kai asks, pushing the chair back for Sehun to sit and Dr. Kim starts writing something in Sehun’s progress book. He glances up to look at Sehun, “You still have the vitamins or should I prescribe you more?”

“Yes, please. I don’t have much left,” Sehun answers and glances at Kai when his husband stares at him in surprise. Kai doesn’t know Sehun has been taking the vitamins and medications because he has them hidden in the cabinet below the sink. “Now the most awaited moment,” Dr. Kim smiles and drags his chair to the bed and calls Sehun over.

“Mr. Kai, are you ready to see your baby?” Dr. Kim asks Kai and Sehun bites his lips in anticipation of Kai’s reaction. Kai looks nervous but he inches closer to Sehun and sits on the stool provided. He keeps his eyes fixed on the sonogram machine and unconsciously reaches out to hold Sehun’s hand when Dr. Kim starts applying gel on Sehun’s belly. Kai encourages with a smile and he interlaces their fingers tightly as they both turn to the machine.

“Here…” Dr. Kim announces with a smile. “Here he is,”

“He?” Kai gasps.

“Ohh yes, it´s a boy”

Kai turns to look at Sehun with a big smile and he looks like he’s about to jump up in happiness. “A boy!” he mouths excitedly and throughout the entire time, Sehun watches Kai instead of their baby. Kai is still holding Sehun’s hand tightly but his focus is on the monitor. “He’s beautiful…” Kai whispers and Sehun notices the shine in Kai’s eyes – tears of happiness.

“A healthy boy he is,” Dr. Kim says, moving the roller on Sehun’s belly to get a better view of the boy. “Can I get a picture of this?” Kai asks, taking out his phone to snap a picture.

“There’s no need for that Mr. Kai. I will give you a copy like previously. Most parents these days document every growth of their child and I believe you’d be the same.”

Kai sends Sehun a glance, “Sure, thank you.” He replies and helps Sehun up from the bed. The doctor goes back to writing some details in the file and the husbands get back to their seats with Kai looking extremely curious about something. “Doctor, if you don’t mind me asking,” Kai starts and Sehun listens to what Kai has to say. He didn’t think Kai would be the type to inquire at all but Sehun is grateful because otherwise, Sehun wouldn’t ask anything.

“Is there anything I can do as Sehun hits his months?”

Dr. Kim hums, twirling the pen between his fingers. “It varies. Some would be sore, some would have swollen feet, some would need physical attention and some would have limited movement.”

Sehun blushes at the mention of physical attention and looks away, hoping that he wouldn't. He hopes he needs none of it so he wouldn’t need to depend on Kai but his husband looks like he’s ready to devote his life to taking care of Sehun and their little boy.

“All you have to do is pay attention to Sehun and notice the little changes…” The doctor advises and reminds Sehun of his next appointment. Kai shakes hands with the doctor and both of them walk out to collect the vitamins from the pharmacist. Kai pays for the appointment without asking Sehun anything and then invites Sehun into the car. At that moment, Sehun feels something has broken between them and it’s not their relationship but the barrier of uncertainty.

“Should we get something to drink?” Kai asks as he drives out of the lot and Sehun nods, looking out of the window.

\--//--

“Sehun…”

Sehun groans on the bed and Kai watches his husband turn around and hug another pillow, getting back to sleep. Kai calls the other again, “Sehun…” he taps Sehun's shoulder lightly, and when Sehun turns towards him with great difficulty, Kai palms Sehun's growing belly to feel their little boy. He can’t feel any movement. An article on the net mentioned that parents could feel the baby's movement but until now, Kai still did not feel any. “Hey… good morning,” Kai says, smiling when Sehun flutters his eyes open then quickly covers his face.

“I made breakfast. Let’s eat.”

“You can cook?” is the first thing Sehun says to him and Kai laughs in return. Of course he can. He just didn’t make use of his talent in their early days. “I’ll let you judge my ability to cook,” Kai says and helps Sehun up but when Sehun groans and whines, holding his stomach, Kai gets worried.

“You okay?”

“I got cramps.” Sehun hisses and his whole face scrunches up in discomfort. “Where?” Kai asks, suppressing the pain as Sehun grips his arm tightly, piercing his nails into his skin. “My legs…” Sehun shivers.

“Does this happen often?” Kai asks, looking at Sehun's legs as he squats down. Sehun shakes his head, “First time…”

He gives Sehun some time to ease the cramps. Cramps can be unbearable at times. Kai occasionally gets them too and when it happens, moving the limbs would be trouble. With Sehun, he channels his pain by gripping Kai in a deadly hold but when the grip eases down, Sehun glances at Kai’s abused arms pitifully. “Sorry, I didn’t realize that…” he whines.

“No harm is done…” Kai helps Sehun to stand, and lets him know he’ll be waiting downstairs before he leaves Sehun alone to freshen up. Kai heads back to the kitchen, taking two sets of plates and sets the table like how Sehun would. However, this time, he makes sure they’re sitting next to each other instead of opposite one another. He pours fresh orange juice for Sehun and mild coffee for himself. Kai waits at the dining table, browsing through the news. He answers some messages from his staff quickly who are surprised by his sudden, unannounced three days leave.

“Are you not going to work?” Sehun asks as he steps down the stairs carefully. For a moment, Kai is taken by surprise. Sehun’s baby bump is a lot obvious now and the glow on his cheeks is so beautiful. Sehun looks extremely beautiful. “Kai?”

“Huh? I took three days off work.” Kai answers hastily when Sehun sends judging eyes to the table. “I didn’t make anything special; rice, vegetables, and eggs sound like a healthy breakfast, doesn’t it?” he laughs awkwardly as Sehun scoops some garlic fried veg into his plate. Sehun’s first bite is nerve-wracking – so this must be how Sehun felt when he cooked. Kai wouldn’t compare his meals to Sehun because those are professional levels of cooking. “I hope it’s edible…” Kai mutters when Sehun takes another bite; this time with the sunny-side-up egg.

“It’s perfect,” Sehun says, lips curving into a smile slowly and his eyes crinkle in the cutest way, reminding Kai of the crescent moon. “Really?” Kai gasps.

Sehun nods, “Let’s eat.” He says and starts digging in as he meant it – he’s eating well. Kai then takes a bite himself and hums when the vegetables are indeed perfect. “I haven’t cooked in a long time.”

“Do you usually cook?” Sehun asks as the conversation flows naturally.

“Yes, when Baekhyun….” Kai clears his throat. All of a sudden it feels weird to think of Baekhyun, to speak of Baekhyun. But Sehun chuckles, “Hyung can’t cook.”

“He’s terrible at it.” Kai answers scoffing but he smiles when he glances to look at Sehun. Sehun has that face – where you’re curious but you refuse to let it out and ask. “You look like you have something to say,” Kai asks on his behalf and Sehun munches on the vegetables stalk as he sends Kai a knowing look.

“Do you miss Hyung?”

Kai chuckles, “Don’t you?” he asks back.

“I wouldn’t miss him like you…” Sehun answers smartly.

“I don’t miss him that way anymore…” Kai answers when he understands what Sehun means with his question. “I have to let him go. Hanging on to him, the memories… will do me no good.”

Sehun nods, “I never expected my life to take such a drastic turn. Fate? I don’t know if this is how fate is; playing with lives, changing it but maybe it is – the way things are supposed to be. Yet, I find it unfair.” Sehun mumbles, speaking his thoughts out relating fate as the core to everything – from Baekhyun’s death, their marriage, and now their baby.

“Unfair? How?”

“This benefits me alone as if this whole change was for me…”

“I don’t understand. I don’t think I’m getting what you’re saying, Sehun.”

Sehun puts his utensils down and looks away. Fate is truly a cunning thing but yet it plays its cards so well that it even matches a mismatched puzzle. “When you started dating Hyung, I had a crush on you…”

“How old were you?” Kai asks, voice passing through him like air since Sehun is in deep thoughts about fate’s play. “Young, I don’t remember. But I never wished to interfere or be anything else…” Sehun mumbles.

“I didn’t even notice your attraction towards me back then.” Kai chips in and Sehun looks at his husband who was once his crush and late brother’s lover. What if this all happened because of him? What if their fates intertwined because of Sehun?

“Did this happen because of me?” Sehun whispers as realization hits him. “What if my feelings for you back then was the reason for all that happened to Hyung, to both of you?”

“Sehun you’re overthinking,” Kai says, trying to reach out to hold Sehun’s hands but for once, Sehun is losing his mind, hyperventilating; his head and chest hurts and he can’t breathe properly. “You were both supposed to be married?!” Sehun says, choking on air and Kai quickly moves closer to him and runs his palm over Sehun’s back.

“Sehun” he calls, “Sehun, look at me,” Kai demands and reluctantly, Sehun turns to look at Kai who’s standing next to him. “Baekhyun’s death was not your fault, not your doing. It has nothing to do with you.” Kai says.

“But…”

“Listen…” Kai grips Sehun’s shoulder tightly, “Life and death were never in our hands in the first place. As much as we think we’re the reason for it, it’s not.”

Sehun frowns and pouts. He looks at his plate but now, he no longer has the appetite to finish, “I’m not hungry anymore…” he tells Kai and the other says the same. “But you made an effort to prepare,” Sehun mumbles, feeling guilty for not finishing the meal Kai cooked.

“I did but I saw you eat heartily earlier so it doesn’t matter if you can’t finish it now,” Kai says, gathering their leftovers in one plate. But all of a sudden, he stops to look at Sehun.

“Do you plan on writing today or can we go out for some shopping?” Kai asks and quickly turns around with plates in his hands. He walks over to the kitchen counter and places them there and acts busy as though he’s not willing to see Sehun’s expression. Sehun watches Kai.

“What are you planning to get?” Sehun asks, slowly getting up from the chair and gets next to Kai by the sink to help the other with the dishes.

“I was thinking maybe we could get some baby stuff?”

“Don’t you think it’s too early?” Sehun asks. He did plan on buying, just not so soon but since Kai is thinking about it, maybe he should listen and consider his opinion. Kai clears his throat, “I read that we should get the physical items earlier like baby cot, stroller.”

“You read?” Sehun teases with a smile. He keeps the cloth and turns to Kai, looking at his husband who’s keeping his gaze low. If Sehun isn’t wrong, Kai is blushing too. “You read about babies?” Sehun teases again and Kai rolls his eyes playfully at Sehun with a charming smile – yes, his smile is very charming.

“I couldn’t sleep last night. So, I did some reading.”

“I thought you usually sleep early?” Sehun asks, now surprised. Usually, it’s Sehun who sleeps late. Whenever he goes down to the kitchen for food and passes by Kai’s room, the lights would have already been off.

“But I couldn’t yesterday. I was over the moon about our baby boy.”

Sehun laughs and continues wiping the plates when Kai passes him. He was like that too. Sehun used to have sleepless nights. “I used to stay awake asking myself if I really do have a baby in me.”

“Then what did you do?” Kai asks, looking at Sehun from the window. It’s a domesticated view – them, standing side by side doing dishes and Kai likes how they’re naturally working together without having to be told. Sehun laughs and from the reflection he looks beautiful. Sehun’s baby bump looks nice too and with the morning sun seeping through the window, the glow on Sehun’s dark hair makes him look ethereal. “I had cravings which resulted in my late-night deliveries and indulges.”

Kai shakes his head, “And so the craving resulted in vomiting the next morning.”

“No!!!” Sehun laughs, hitting Kai lightly on his arm and when he realizes what he did two seconds later, Sehun turns red and focuses on wiping the dishes dry. Kai doesn’t seem to mind the contact since he’s focused on mumbling how unhealthy it is to eat and go to bed.

Some time in the afternoon, they make their way to the nearest mall. Kai doesn’t indulge on his shopping list hastily but he makes sure Sehun eats something before they go around each floor, looking for the best baby items. It seemed like an easy plan; they eat and shop but what Kai didn’t foresee is Sehun stopping to buy ice cream, chocolates, cakes and all sorts of desserts along the way. The eating is not the only issue but with eating comes toilet stops.

“I’m sorry if this is spoiling your mood,” Sehun says after his second toilet trip. Kai chuckles, wanting to reply something but before he could, “I can’t help but drool over all the sweet smell. It’s impossible for me to ignore them. I have to taste it and if I don’t, I can’t sleep at night.”

“Cravings can be a scary thing,” Kai says but widens his eyes when Sehun almost collides with a child but thankfully, his reflexes are fast and he holds Sehun before any one of them could get hurt. “Careful there, Sehun.” Kai says, heart thumping wildly in his chest. If anything happens to Sehun in his presence, he will never forgive himself.

“Hey!” Sehun ignores Kai completely and holds the little girl close. “Where’s your mommy?” he asks, looking around when she seems lost but when she points towards a couple, he takes her there and makes sure she’s in their hold.

“You okay?” Kai asks when Sehun walks over and they enter the first baby shop they see. “I am fine, don’t worry” Sehun says and goes completely crazy over all the items on display – clothes, soaps, strollers, toys and toiletries. It has almost everything a baby needs and Sehun can’t decide on what he needs and what he wants. If he can, he’d grab everything.

There are cute, tiny t-shirts, pants, shorts and dresses on display as they walk further in. On some, there are adorable captions like _my daddy is handsome_ and _cutest baby around_. Sehun starts choosing some, mindlessly grabbing the ones he thinks will look good on his little boy but when Kai taps on his arm with a raised eyebrow, Sehun widens his eyes comically. “ _Oh_.”

“I thought we’re not buying clothes yet?” Kai asks, laughing as Sehun reluctantly puts all those items in his arms back to where they belong.

“I forgot and got distracted.” Sehun mumbles and quickly walks towards the strollers. They look good and a salesgirl named Wendy greets them, telling them more about the functions of each different type of stroller. “If you were a parent, which would you choose?” Kai asks the salesgirl when both of them seem to be lost in the decision-making loop. They can’t decide on a stroller. Sehun likes the bigger one and Kai prefers the one with lots of function.

“Honestly, I’ll go with your husband’s choice.” She tells Kai, pointing at the stroller Sehun chose. “Yes, parents would want an easy stroller where you can put everything at a place but you have to think in the long run.”

Kai hums and listens to her explanation. Sehun looks happy with his choice and keeps asking her more about the function, testing it as Wendy opens the plastic overall. Kai wishes to record the whole scene; he’s getting the hang of being a father and now he totally understands how the other young fathers feel when they’re having kids. Ignoring his own conscience, Kai pulls out his phone and starts taking pictures.

“What are you doing?” Sehun laughs gleefully.

“Making memories,” he smiles and Sehun reaches forward to take the phone from Kai, “You try the stroller now. I’ll record.”

Kai hesitates at first but Sehun’s charming smile, pretty face and cute pout made him pose with the stroller. “I like it,” he says to Wendy. “So, we’re taking this?” Kai asks Sehun as Sehun giggles, while still recording the whole process. “Yes!”

Wendy helps them pack and Sehun starts laughing, “We look like those couples in baby shows.”

“There are baby shows?” Kai asks, surprised that people make such shows.

“I watched it once when I couldn’t sleep,” Sehun passes Kai his phone back and suggests to take a look at the baby carriers next. They continue shopping for some other items and when it’s time to pay, Kai sighs at the number of things he has to carry along. “So, I have to carry all these to the car?” he sounds tired already while looking at the stroller, baby car seat and travelling bag.

“Don’t worry sir, we can have them delivered to your doorstep.” The cashier says and hands Kai a form to fill. “How long will the delivery take?” Sehun asks, massaging his tummy, feeling the sudden ache on his lower back. “Tomorrow.”

“Alright,” Kai signs the form and proceeds with the payment after refusing to use Sehun’s card. “I’m the father, I’m paying.”

“I am the father too!” Sehun whines,

“But you’re already carrying our boy, so let me carry the bills.”

\--//--

Sehun sits in front of the TV and cries in pain silently. They reached home an hour ago and Sehun excused himself for a warm shower. He almost fell asleep in the bathtub as the tiredness and sleepiness took over his mind and body. They had eaten before coming home too and with his belly full and contented, Sehun’s body lulls him to sleep. But, he couldn’t sleep after bathing. His legs are killing him which is why he’s in front of the TV with an unknown show playing in the background as he tries to massage his own legs.

Obviously, he couldn’t do it properly. His belly is blocking him from reaching his legs and when he tries to reach for them, he gets a strain on his back. Sehun really wants to cry – he’s sleepy, tired and emotional. Frustrated, Sehun throws the pillow he used to support his lower back on the carpet and tries to get as comfortable as he can.

“You okay there?” Kai asks, walking over to Sehun with his hair wet, freshly showered. Sehun frowns, “You didn’t dry your hair,” Sehun points out and silently cries in discomfort when he tries to move. Kai ignores his remark and joins Sehun on the other side of the couch. “You’re in pain,” he notes.

Sehun nods and tries to move his stretched legs away but Kai quickly reaches for his feet, “It’s okay, be comfortable.” He says, keeping his warm hand on Sehun's cold feet. Sehun stares at Kai’s hand, wishing they’ll move and ease his overworked muscle. “Is it the baby?” Kai asks as he watches the show on TV.

“No, he’s quiet.”

“Then?” Kai turns to look at Sehun.

“My legs are aching. I might have stood for too long, walked too much.”

“Oh,” Kai looks down to Sehun’s legs and notices they’re slightly red and swollen. “I can massage a little although I can’t promise to be good.” Kai offers, moving closer so he can put Sehun’s legs on his thighs but when Sehun reaches to grab his feet, desperately waving his hands, Kai hangs his jaw in surprise.

“Why? I can do it for you.” He assures Sehun.

“No, it’s just that….” Sehun hesitates for a bit – massaging is an almost intimate gesture and Sehun can’t trust his senses especially with Kai being so close and sober. He might embarrass himself. “I don’t want you to feel burdened with how I feel, Sehun.” Kai says, noticing the hesitation in Sehun’s eyes. He understands Sehun’s unwillingness for the massage but Kai wants to break the barrier, the wall which is making them awkward and reluctant to reach out for each other; especially Sehun.

“So, please allow me to do this,” he says and once again reaches out to take Sehun’s foot. Sehun doesn’t say anything now. He stays quiet and allows Kai to take his leg and start a massage. All his hesitance and reluctance disappear in a blink. The magic of Kai’s hands is doing wonders to his tired limbs. Sehun goes lax on the chair and moves to properly lie down and get a good, free massage. “God, this feels good.” He says, closing his eyes in pure contentment.

“Oh God, there… there.” Sehun moans when Kai massages his calves. He feels the pain easing away. It’s such a blissful sensation and it’s making him sleepy and calm. With the pain going away, Sehun finally has full connection with the baby boy. He’s happy. They both are and he could be dreaming; maybe he is dreaming but he isn’t.

“Kai,” Sehun calls his husband in full alert tone and the magical, massaging hands stop to pay attention to Sehun, “Oh God…” Sehun says again, this time reaching out to grab Kai’s arm and the clueless husband starts panicking. “What’s wrong Sehun?” Kai asks anxiously.

“Baby kicked!!”

“What?!”

“Really! I felt it!” Sehun exclaims, touching the spot on his belly where he felt that tiny, soft kick. “Oh my god!” Sehun yelps once again and this time he takes Kai’s hand and places it on his belly, looking at Kai for some reaction. But, baby doesn’t kick again and the anticipation is killing Sehun. He wants Kai to feel that kick too. They wait together and the long minute feels like an hour.

“Why don’t I feel it?” Kai pouts unhappily, caressing Sehun’s belly, “Baby, it’s me. Your dad.” He introduces himself and a second later both of them freezes, looking at each other as if they can’t believe what they felt.

“Oh Lord,” Kai whispers, getting shivers over his back, “Is that really what I think it is?” he asks, looking at Sehun and glances at his belly as he caresses the full tummy lovingly. Sehun nods as they feel another kick, “Hey little champ, you’re awake now huh?” Kai talks to the boy, resting his weight on his elbow so he can lean right next to Sehun, facing his belly. “He’s precious.” Kai says, unconsciously rubbing Sehun’s belly in soothing circles.

Sehun rests his head against the armrest and shuts his eyes. It’s peaceful – staying like this, being like this. The warmth from Kai’s body and his hand is finally making home feel like a home. There’s an emotion building in him. He can sense it. This unknown, unconfirmed emotion is stirring his guts in a pleasurable way. He knows what he’s feeling in his stomach isn’t caused by the baby boy since it has been sometime since the boy stopped moving – probably fallen asleep. This emotion, the flutter in his stomach and heart is something else; almost the same as the one he felt during their first night together.

“I think he fell asleep,” Kai says and Sehun blinks his eyes open but the thoughts and emotions remain in his veins. “Maybe,” Sehun answers, voice a little hoarse. Kai smiles and straightens up, resuming his massage session but Sehun stops Kai, “If you don’t mind…” Sehun starts, “Can you massage around my shoulders?” he asks, not caring if Kai is surprised or if he’s acting out of his controlled character. He needs to be touched. He realizes that the building emotions in him requires Kai to touch him and like a needy cat, Sehun turns around, back facing Kai.

“Tell me if you want me to go harder,” Kai reminds, slowly placing his warm hands on Sehun’s stiff shoulders. “Loosen up, okay.” Kai says and starts pressing lightly, so Sehun could ease up and trust Kai with his shoulders. Sehun starts mewling, tilting his head. The pleasure hits his nerves and he leans back, letting himself fall against Kai. But, Kai has his tight hold on Sehun, holding him steadily.

“Over there…” Sehun moans, “There…” he tilts his head, eyes shut tightly. He could fall asleep now, at this moment but the sensation is overwhelming. His insides flutters and the hair behind his neck stand. “Kai…oh,” he moans shamelessly, leaning back but Kai pushes him, “Steady, Sehun.”

“Oh Kai….” Sehun moans languidly, losing all his senses to that growing desire. Kai’s warmth, his hands on his body, touching and feeling him heats Sehun up like a furnace and instead of getting better, his muscles start working the other way. Despite heating up, he’s shivering in anticipation. “Please…” Sehun moans, lowering his head. He only wants Kai to keep touching him, have his hands all over his body. He wants to be marked and touched as if he’s a precious, valuable art.

Sehun freezes on spot, opening his eyes in less than a second and stares ahead. He now has full comprehension of his bodily reaction. He’s hard and with reality hitting him like a brick on the face, Sehun chokes on his unshed tears and tells Kai to stop, “I…” he moves away, clearing his voice to sound as coherent as possible.

“You okay?” Kai asks, noticing how Sehun’s voice changed with his body going rigid. Sehun quickly adjusts his thin sweater and glances at Kai, “I’m going to bed.” He lies and scrambles off the couch as fast as he could before Kai could stop him and ask what happened. Although Kai didn’t stop him, he keeps calling Sehun but his soft tone doesn’t stop Sehun’s feet from moving.

Sehun reaches his room, breathing heavily. It has been a wonderful day, things were going so smoothly between them and for a second, Sehun forgot how their relationship is. However, as he predicted, the massage was too intimate and he is hormonal. Sehun wouldn’t admit he’s lacking in physical contact but being touched by his husband, ignited the fire in him.

“Sehun,” Kai calls standing by the door as he catches Sehun standing in the middle of the room, looking troubled and helpless. “Please leave me alone.” Sehun says, pulling his shirt down but his thin sweater isn’t long enough to cover what he’s trying to hide from Kai’s concerned eyes.

“I’m not leaving you alone…” Kai says, walking into the room to slowly hold Sehun’s hand.

“Please, Kai… not now.” Sehun whispers as Kai stands behind him, “I’m not in a situation to face you.”

“I understand,” Kai whispers, circling his hands around Sehun’s waist. He pulls Sehun to lean against his chest, doing the opposite of what Sehun wants. Somehow, he knows that’s not what Sehun wants. Kai isn’t a teenager, he’s not a young adult who has no experience in sexual reaction. He’s an adult, hitting mid-thirties and he easily read Sehun’s reactions.

“But, it’s me… why are you shying away from me?” Kai says, turning Sehun to face him. Sehun faces him but he keeps his gaze low. There’s nothing to be ashamed of. Sehun doesn’t say anything in return and continues staring at the ground before Kai takes matters into his own hands. “You know… the thing is, you got turned on for me.” Kai says, rubbing circles on Sehun’s wrist with his thumb. “We’re married. It’s okay.”

“No, you don’t understand.” Sehun snaps. His voice is shaky and he glares at Kai. “I shouldn’t feel such a way for you!”

“Why not?”

“Because we don’t have such a relationship and I don’t know if I can have such thoughts about you.”

“You can, Sehun.” Kai says softly, and he lifts Sehun’s chin so they could look into each other’s eyes, “You can, Sehun.” he repeats.

“I can?” Sehun asks again. There’s uncertainty in his eyes and the way they look at Kai with so much fragility forces Kai to lean in and pull Sehun into a hug. “Yes,” he whispers and hugs Sehun tightly, placing a kiss on his shoulder. Kai felt Sehun breaking his walls, melting in his hug. It’s a special moment for Kai – a hug like this brings a new hope and faith to their established relationship and he would want to honour it with grace.

Hugging Sehun defines home. Home, where everything is warm, cosy, perfect and beautiful. It can also be sad and angry but most of the time, home is where the mind and heart is and right now, Kai is with Sehun. He has been with Sehun since the day he decided to move on; to appreciate, care and love what’s with him.

“Sehun, I want you to move in with me.” Kai says but the way Sehun pulled away from him, Kai wondered if he said something wrong. Sehun frowns at first but then he smiles, “If you failed to realize, I do live with you.” Sehun chuckles.

Kai shakes his head, “No, I mean… move into my room.”

“What?”

“Let’s be proper husbands.”

“Okay,” Sehun agrees quickly, “But tomorrow.”

“Fine with me,” Kai says and leans closer to Sehun’s face. He could sense Sehun panicking but the other doesn’t move away and he smiles as he leans down to capture Sehun’s lips with his. Sehun’s lips taste the same as before – sweet, soft and warm. “Now, can I ease my dearest husband’s ache?” Kai whispers, trailing kisses down Sehun’s neck, eliciting delicious, desirable moans from Sehun.

Kai remembers; Sehun wasn’t this sensitive. “You’re being very responsive Sehunnie,” Kai notes, securing a hand around Sehun’s waist as he indulges in giving pleasure to his husband. “Hormones,” Sehun whispers, reaching for Kai’s hair and gripping them tightly. “Kai…” he moans, tilting his head, exposing his pale neckline for Kai to leave marks and wet kisses.

“Do you want to go all the way or I can help you to….” Kai asks, going back to Sehun’s lips. He kisses tenderly, curling his fingers in Sehun’s hair as they mould their lips together in a perfect symphony. “All the way…” Sehun breathes, “But,”

“But what?” Kai asks, thinking Sehun might be overthinking about their relationship again.

Before Kai could stop Sehun, ‘But, baby? Is it safe?” Sehun asks. Kai catches neediness in his voice.

“I read the other day…” Kai starts, brushing their hips together and the sound that escapes Sehun’s throat pleases him. Looking at Sehun’s hot, red face in such a moment is such a major turn on and silently he’s regretting not looking at Sehun’s face the first time they did it. Now, he’s not going to let Sehun face the other way or hide. He’s going to watch, study and witness every bit of expression on Sehun’s beautiful face.

“Is it safe?” Sehun asks, tugging Kai’s shirt, “It is,” Kai says and gives hints to Sehun that he’s going to pull off his thin sweater. Slowly, they start undressing each other and Kai couldn’t keep his eyes off Sehun’s figure. Although he has a big belly now, he’s still beautiful, even more beautiful than the last time Kai saw him naked. “You’re beautiful, Sehun” he whispers.

“Why am I the only one neykid…” Sehun whines cutely, embarrassed about being exposed with Kai looking at every inch of his bare skin.

“Come here,” Kai laughs and pulls Sehun towards a chair. He doesn’t plan on having Sehun on the bed. He doesn’t want to accidentally squish or put pressure on Sehun’s belly. Thus it’s best he takes all of Sehun’s weight. Kai pushes his pants down before he sits on the chair and he catches Sehun trying to be discreet about looking. “You can stare, I don’t mind.”

Kai guides Sehun to straddle him, and with them being stark naked, both gasps at the same time. “Sehun, where’s your lube?” Kai asks, starting by pumping his husband’s length. Sehun hisses and gasps, shutting his eyes tightly and Kai knows with the sensitivity, Sehun wouldn’t last, “I don’t have any lube…” Sehun gasps, leaning down to rest his head on Kai’s shoulder.

“We’ll have to get dirty first then,” Kai says and smirks but his smirk soon turns into a throaty moan when Sehun fists his cock. “Fuck,” he curses, and loses his momentum to steadily rile Sehun. As they continue, loud gasps and moans fill the room and Sehun starts leaking, giving Kai the head start to finger his hole. “I’m going to open you up, Sehun.” he says, pushing his fingers into Sehun’s mouth, urging the other to suck.

Kai pushes a finger in and Sehun moves closer, leaving almost no space between them. The closer Sehun leans on him, the better access Kai has to his back and slowly he starts scissoring Sehun open.

“Easy, Sehunnie…” Kai says, biting the juncture of Sehun’s neck. “Easy there…” Kai whispers. Sehun whimpers at first but when his pained cries turn into pleasured gasps, Kai adds another finger and another into his tight heat. He continues throwing praises and unconsciously Sehun starts humping, moving on his lap. Kai starts to get impatient himself but he prioritizes Sehun’s comfort. “Kai…” Sehun moans, looking directly into Kai’s eyes, breathing heavily.

This time, Sehun initiates the kiss and Kai welcomes Sehun’s warm lips tenderly, kissing those strawberry red lips with all his heart. There’s so much emotion in the kiss. His heartbeat is loud, louder than anything and Kai knows, this kiss means a lot to Sehun. “I need you in me,” Sehun says, pushing up a little so Kai could push himself in.

“I want you to look at me, Sehun.” Kai says, before giving Sehun what he wants. Sehun nods, “Don’t close your eyes,” he says and Sehun nods desperately. Just when the tip is at the rim, Sehun grips Kai’s shoulder with blissful anticipation, Kai whispers, “I am yours, Sehun; don’t hesitate, don’t question, don’t overthink. I am all yours.”

\--//--

In a blink, it’s been a year and today, they’re celebrating their boy’s first birthday. Sehun is extremely busy and he has high expectations for it. He’s excited but the little one is more excited than he is because Kai had promised to get him a cat. Sehun’s not going to argue about it. They have a garden and a backyard so the cat can be free. He just hopes it doesn’t mess things up around the house.

Jae Ha came as a surprise to their families. Kai had only informed their parents about having a baby when Sehun was rushed to the emergency room. Both mothers were ecstatic but Kai had politely explained Sehun’s wish about the pregnancy. They were surprised indeed but nonetheless, happy for them.

Sehun paces restlessly in the kitchen, checking on the food. Jae Ha’s birthday cake has arrived but the birthday boy isn’t around to see his cake. Kai had taken their son out to adopt the cat. Sehun suggested for the adoption to take place on some other day but Kai refused, ‘A birthday gift should be given on the birth day,’ he said.

Sehun keeps glancing at the door. They better arrive before the guests and just in time, he hears Kai’s car pulling in as he rushes to the door. Sehun greets the father and son but Jae Ha’s saddened expression alarms Sehun. “Where’s the cat?” Sehun asks Kai who’s cradling their one year old in his arms. Kai widens his eyes and makes faces, “We have to get the cat tomorrow but Jae chose a ginger orange male cat.”

“Why tomorrow?” Sehun moves aside to let Kai in and takes Jae into his arms. He kisses the boy all over his face. “They’ll spay the cat.”

“I see,” he mumbles and frowns when Kai walks in, forgetting something. Sehun stays rooted by the door with Jae Ha in his arms, waiting for Kai to realize what he has forgotten. Kai still doesn’t realize as he comments on the decorations, reminds Sehun about the guests. “Ehem,” Sehun clears his throat. “You forgot something,” he reminds Kai and at times like this, Sehun loves demanding for that one rule they made.

Kai turns around and smiles, “Good lord,” he says and strides to Sehun. “Very demanding,” he mumbles and pulls Sehun in his chest with Jae Ha squished between them, “Come here,” he whispers and places a loud, wet smooch on Sehun’s lips. Jae babbles loudly in Sehun’s arms and slaps Kai’s face lightly.

“Tell me my son isn’t jealous,” Kai says, playfully glaring at Jae.

“No, he hit you because you forgot our kiss.” Sehun laughs and runs away to avoid getting tickled.

“You’re not running away, Sehun.” Kai warns, smirking.

“Na’uh… Jae Ha is sleeping with us tonight.”

“Put him in his room! He’s been cockblocking us for days!” Kai says, getting annoyed but Sehun’s laughter and Jae Ha’s giggles makes him smile.

Kai shakes his head, “Gosh, I love them,” he mumbles,

“here is where I wanna be.”

The End

**Author's Note:**

> To my Lovely readers,  
> I hope I sparked some emotions in you <3  
> Thank you for reading.  
> Your kudos and comment will be appreciated.


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